What Are the Characteristics of a Healthy Attachment Pairing and Why Its Important?

Can a romantic relationship truly heal your past wounds? Discover how God's grace and the power of secure attachment can transform your most intimate connections. Tune in as I share my personal journey of seeking male role models and mentors, and how those relationships have profoundly impacted my growth and healing. We’ll unpack the biblical call to bear each other's burdens, and how community plays a pivotal role in our personal development.

We dive deep into the dynamics of secure and anxious attachment pairings in romantic relationships. Learn how a secure partner’s steady hand and empathetic communication can alleviate the anxious partner’s fears and build a foundation of trust. From consistent reassurance to non-judgmental problem-solving, you'll gather actionable insights to foster emotional support and create a healthy relationship. Plus, we address the challenges you might encounter and effective strategies for conflict resolution.

Finally, we explore the nuanced dynamics between secure and avoidant attachments, as well as the profound impact of our relationship with God on our human interactions. Using biblical examples like Jonah and Abraham, we illustrate how faith and trust in God can shape our relationships. You'll also hear about the essential role of the Christian community in supporting and nurturing secure, supportive connections. Whether you're grappling with anxiety, avoidance, or looking to deepen your faith, this episode offers a roadmap to healthier, more fulfilling relationships.

Chapters

• 0:05 Attachment Style Pairings in Relationships
• 7:56 Secure and Anxious Attachment Relationships
• 16:00 Navigating Secure Attachment in Relationships
• 27:26 Exploring Attachment to God in Relationships

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:05

All right, everyone, welcome back to the God Attachment Healing Podcast. Thank you for being here. I think today's topic is going to be one that a lot of you are going to be interested in, because I'm talking about the most common attachment style pairings, and I'm going to be doing the healthy ones and the unhealthy ones. So, yeah, so as you tune in, you're going to have a tendency to want to observe these things, maybe in your own relationship, but I do just want to caution that. Remember that as we talk about these different attachment styles, attachment styles can change with time, and I know I've said that dozens of times on the show. But if you find yourself in any one of these types of pairings, I just want to give you that hope that you can change your attachment style to be more secure. The other person can change their attachment style to be more secure, which would help both of you become a secure relationship. So, yeah, so we're going to talk about that Now. If you haven't done so already, please go to the Apple podcast. Leave a review. I love hearing from you guys, even when, on social media, you can message me and suggest any topics that you'd like me to cover. But you might be asking yourself the question.

Speaker 1: 1:23

You know why am I talking about attachment style pairings for this episode? And you know, one of the things that I was thinking about was well, I realized that God often heals people through relationships Not just romantic relationships, although that's what I'm going to be talking about today, but he does heal us through different relationships. You know, it could be through a parent, it could be through a boyfriend, girlfriend, spouse, mentor, and so on. So I do believe that God uses people in our lives to help heal parts of us that need healing. And you know, there's a lot of emphasis in the New Testament about community, about the church, about bearing each other's burdens, about meeting each other's needs. So there's a lot that we can explore regarding that. So that's kind of how this episode came into play.

Speaker 1: 2:17

And also, just in general, people enjoy talking about relationships. Why? Because it's such a big part of our lives the people that we interact with on a daily basis, the people that you grew up with, people that maybe knew people in your life, and that's also a blessing as well. So we'll talk about those different attachment style pairings. You know one of the he also has a podcast, adam Young. It's called the Place we Find Ourselves Really good podcast, a lot attachment-based, and he, you know I kind of got this idea from him as well is that we often expect people to just heal and come to the relationship fully healed.

Speaker 1: 2:57

You know, and I think it sets up this false expectation for why people are so afraid to enter into relationships. For why people are so afraid to enter into relationships, they feel that if they're not fully healed they're not worthy of a relationship, or if they're in the process of healing, that they still have so much more work to do. And that is true. You know most of us, I think, can agree with that that obviously there's always more healing that we can do. But in avoiding a relationship that could expose different parts that need healing, we don't allow for God to use those relationships to actually heal us. And here's what I mean by that. When you allow for fear to dictate who you're going to engage with, who you're going to interact with, who you allow in your inner circle, who you need to keep outside of that circle, and so on, so you may need to avoid certain people that may not be helping you in your personal walk with Christ and at the same time. There's other people who you may need to get close to and take the initiative to get close to in order to grow in your relationship with Christ.

Speaker 1: 4:01

I was thinking about how I've grown up and I was trying to remember just any time throughout my childhood where there wasn't a male role model or figure in my life that was investing in me at some point in my life and for me. You know, I grew up in a divorced home. My parents got divorced when I was about 17. They had separated for a while when I was 11 or 12, and it was only for a couple of months Maybe it was just a month, but yeah. When they finally divorced at 17, I remember seeking out mentors, just wanting for someone to spend time with me, to invest in me, to know what it feels like to receive that love and care and guidance from a healthy male figure. And my dad it wasn't that he wasn't involved, I feel like he didn't just know how to do it. So the fact that we were always surrounded by other men in his life men in my life like that was helpful for me to heal in certain areas of my life and even now as an adult. The Lord has always provided someone in that process. But now, as we transition into well, what does that mean for not a mentorship relationship, but romantic relationships, and how that affects our dynamic in our personal walk with Christ and how that affects our dynamic in our personal walk with Christ.

Speaker 1: 5:25

So that's why this idea of talking about relationships and the different attachment style pairings came up is that I want you to know what your attachment style is, what the attachment style dynamic is within your relationship, and how to know if it's healthy or unhealthy. So let's start first with the healthy right. So with both healthy attachment style pairings, there's obviously going to be one person who is secure, okay, so we have the secure and anxious, and then we have the secure and avoidant, and we'll explore what the dynamic looks like, some challenges, some things that help the relationship, and then we'll also talk about some dynamics, what every day could look like for them as well. So let's jump into the first one, which is the secure and anxious attachment style pairing. Now, before I jump into that, this is one of the most common attachment style pairings from the healthy perspective. From the unhealthy perspective, we're going to see the anxious and the most common attachment style pairings from the healthy perspective, from the unhealthy perspective, we're going to see the anxious and the avoidant attachment style pairing, which is the most common for the unhealthy. Okay, so we'll start with the secure and anxious and then we'll move to secure and avoidant and then we'll jump into the unhealthy attachment style pairings. So what does the dynamic look like for a secure and anxious attachment style?

Speaker 1: 6:45

Well, if we go back through a number of episodes and if you've been following this podcast for a while, you'll know that the secure person tends to have a positive view of self and a positive view of others, and the reason for that is because they have been able to experience their needs being met and being able to trust others to be able to meet those needs and, in turn, because they've had those needs met, they know how to meet the needs of other people. So this is a person who grew up, had very attentive parents, had very understanding parents who provide structure, provide discipline, but, most of all, provided love and care. For the anxious attachment style, or for the anxious person, their needs were not met all of the time. Their needs were met inconsistently. They didn't know if they were going to be met one day. They may have been neglected for a little bit. And then there was some inconsistency with the attentiveness of the parents, right, and they continue to experience this throughout life. So it leaves them kind of thinking well, is it because they did something wrong? Do I need to do something different? So they're always questioning their own worth in the relationship.

Speaker 1: 7:56

So the anxious attachment style has a tends to have a negative view of self and a high view of others or a positive view of others. So they kind of place people on a pedestal. And they can do this in romantic relationships where their partner is everything to them and they place them on this pedestal. They can do no wrong because they're much better than they are right. So they see themselves as I'm the problem, I'm the issue. I need to fix things, I need to. I did something wrong, so you know it's me right.

Speaker 1: 8:26

So you have this dynamic of the secure attachment or the securely attached person and this anxiously attached person. And what does that look like? So the dynamic in general is the secure partner helps alleviate the anxious partner's fears and works to establish a sense of reassurance and stability. And they don't have a problem with that right, because typically what you find in unhealthy relationships is when one is asking. In this case, an anxious partner is asking for attention or is asking for reassurance or seeking stability. The other partner may get upset and may think that they're being too demanding or may think that they're being too picky about everything, so they get frustrated, right. But a securely attached person just sees that as man, this person really needs me to be present. They need this reassurance and I don't have a problem with that because I know that's what I appreciate and I receive that. So I can only imagine what it's like for this person to not feel that way and what can I do? And they'll explore options like is there anything that makes you feel safe? Is there anything that can make you feel more stable in our relationship? Like, what's missing? They're more open to talking about that because they want to meet those needs.

Speaker 1: 9:43

Right, and the securely attached person is impacted by the anxiously attached person, but it's only in small ways, right? For example, the anxiously attached person may ask for more time. Hey, you know, I've noticed you've been working a lot lately and I just I feel like I need more, more time. Like you're not really, um, you're around, but I don't feel that you're fully around. So the securely attached person might see that and instead of becoming defensive, they'll look at that and say you know what? You're? Right I have been. I have been working a lot and I haven't realized that I was neglecting my relationship. So what can we do about it?

Speaker 1: 10:24

Right, they immediately jump into an understanding and empathetic approach to solving the problem. Right, so they'll look at their partner's concern with that with that attentiveness, like, okay, oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realize that I was doing that. Right, Because the securely attached person isn't perfect. So when they do make mistakes, they're able to acknowledge or wanting to understand where the anxious partner is coming from. Right, so what the securely attached person does is that they alleviate their fears by addressing them openly and honestly, non-judgmentally and with with a care and empathic tone. Right, they want to solve the problem and their core self, their identity, is not impacted by the concerns of the anxious partner. So the anxious partner can't rely and their fears and emotions will be alleviated by the secure partner's response to them, bringing up those issues right.

Speaker 1: 11:27

One of the key things that you'll find in a secure and anxious attachment-style pairing is that they're going to be big on communication. There needs to be emotional support and it's contingent on the secure partner's consistent responsiveness to those issues, right? Remember, the anxiously attached partner has received care, but not consistently. There's been times where they haven't received care. There's been times where they haven't feel loved or worn love. There's been times where their needs weren't met. So they never knew what was the reason for that. Why are my needs not being met all the time, or most of the time at least?

Speaker 1: 12:09

So they have these questions and immediately, because of the negative view of self, they'll look at themselves and say what am I doing wrong? Did I do something wrong? Is something wrong with me? What can I do to make this person love me better? Right? So even though the secure partner is wanting to meet those needs, the anxiously attached partner can still ask themselves, like gosh, what am I doing wrong? Why is he always at work? Or why is she always doing this thing over here? Why can't she be more attentive? Is it something that I'm doing? What can I do differently? Right? So they put all the blame on themselves and the secure partner reminds them that no, you know, this is something that I'm doing. What can I do differently? Right? So they put all the blame on themselves and the secure partner reminds them that no, you know, this is something that we need to talk through. Let's talk about it. You know, why is it that we're feeling a little bit distant? Why is it that I'm getting so involved in work and you're feeling unloved, like, let's talk about it, right? So there's high communication, high emotional support and understanding of where the anxious partner is coming from.

Speaker 1: 13:09

Okay, but the key for the secure partner is to be consistently positively responsive to those concerns of the anxious partner. Right, they have some fears that may be legitimate and some fears that may not be legitimate, right? So fears that may have reason and fears that don't have any reason, nothing to do with the status of the relationship. So those are things that the secure partner can tend to, and do so in a humble and caring manner. Right Now, some of the challenges that may come up, and specifically with the anxious partner, is that they may still struggle with insecurity. Okay, and that's okay.

Speaker 1: 13:55

Again, as time goes on, the more consistently responsive that the secure partner is, the less struggle with that insecurity that the anxious partner will have. But if the anxiety and the insecurity becomes too much for the anxious partner, it could lead to potential conflicts if the secure partner fails to communicate effectively. Okay, so communication is key here because, again, the secure partner wants to fix those problems, so he'll address it. And the anxious partner will look at that and say, well, you know, is it something that I'm doing wrong? Are you really telling me the truth, like, is it really nothing to do with me? And the secure partner reassures and says no, it's nothing to do with you, let's talk about this and let's figure out a way to resolve this. Right? But if there are high levels of insecurity for the anxious partner again, and they keep bringing that up, it could start to negatively affect the relationship.

Speaker 1: 14:54

Okay, so that kind of gives you an overview of what that dynamic of a secure and anxious partner will look like. And the view of themselves and the view of their partner is key here, again, for the secure, positive view, view of self, positive view of the other. So they're going to see these concerns, as you know, it doesn't mean that they're bad or that they're. They're less than because they're having these fears or that they don't, uh, they're not as committed to the relationship. They just see them as people. Right, you're just a person who's struggling with, um, feeling secure in the relationship, and that's okay. What can I do to help with that For the anxiously attached partner? They're going to look at that and say, no, you're such a great partner, I love that you're here, I love that you're supportive, I love that you communicate with me, but I feel like there's something wrong with me. I feel like I can do better. Right, so that constant conversation with themselves can affect how they show up to the relationship and also what they communicate to the secure partner. Right, so some everyday dynamics that can come into play. Right?

Speaker 1: 16:00

So let's talk about maybe a morning routine. Right, the secure partner wakes up, offers a living greeting, providing the anxious partner with a sense of reassurance for the day ahead. Right, so that's a good way for an anxious partner to start their day right. Just a simple act of hey, good morning, how are you? You know, I hope you have a good day, kiss, goodbye, and so on. That provides reassurance for the anxious partner. Right? And what about throughout the day? What does that look like? Well, because they need that reassurance, because they need that safety and stability, maybe a couple of text messages throughout the day. Right, where the anxious partner makes a couple of texts, kind of seeking validation or just checking in. The secure partner is not going to have a problem with that. They're just going to promptly respond and affirm what they're feeling. Oh hey, thanks for checking in. I really appreciate that.

Speaker 1: 16:54

And again, all of these are small little acts throughout the day that provide a sense of security, the secure partner. That's why we're talking about these healthier relationships secure with anxious, secure with avoidant. We're seeing how the secure partner can change the dynamic of the relationship, right. So, for example, if we look at a quadrant, let's say right here on the screen, so let's say the secure partner's here and the anxious partner's here, let's say they're really anxious, right, and as they interact more with the secure partner and they are consistent in their behavior towards them, this person just gets a little bit more secure and more secure and more secure or less anxious, less anxious, less anxious and, you know, stays at a low level of anxiety or actually becomes secure in the relationship because of how the secure partner is showing up. I feel like I'm repeating everything so much because I'm saying secure, anxious, secure, anxious. But hopefully you're capturing, kind of this dynamic between the secure and the anxious partner. So how do they handle conflict? Well, if something arises I kind of addressed this already the secure partner can address it calmly and they want to emphasize communication. And that helps the anxious partner see that and say, okay, they want to solve this problem, like they're not just leaving me to myself, they're not getting upset at me for bringing up these issues, right, they are affirming how I'm feeling and so on, right. So again, that changes the dynamic of the relationship, which is why we consider this a healthy pairing okay of the relationship, which is why we consider this a healthy pairing.

Speaker 1: 18:31

So the secure and avoidant though it looks a lot different, but still, the secure person can impact the avoidant in such a way where they can become less avoidant. So in the first pairing, where you have someone who's highly anxious, they become less anxious. With the avoidant, with the avoidant partner, they become less avoidant. So they want to engage more as opposed to isolate themselves and withdraw from the situation. The secure partner helps the avoidant one feel safe enough to gradually engage emotionally. Okay.

Speaker 1: 19:03

So let's think back again as to why is there an avoidant attachment style? Why did this person become avoidant? Well, this person didn't get their needs met. Right person become avoidant. Well, this person didn't get their needs met right. It's not even a matter of consistency, it was just that they were neglected or they just couldn't really depend on anyone growing up.

Speaker 1: 19:22

So what they do is that they learn to depend on themselves and not really create a sense of trust with other people, like they'll have it. But they're always questioning whether or not they should right Because they've been hurt before. So they rely on those past experiences. That informs how they're showing up in relationships and they have this small doubt that the secure partner will at some point fail them right. They can't be that perfect. They can't be that person who's always attentive and meeting my needs. You know this is sketchy, this is a little bit. This is different for me. I've never experienced this before, right.

Speaker 1: 19:56

So that's kind of the thinking behind and in their minds is that they're questioning whether the secure person is actually going to maintain a consistent level of commitment and approach to the relationship. They're expecting for them to fail. And when they do right, even if it's one, two, three times, they see that and they say see, it's just exactly like I predicted they were going to fail me and it could be something small, it could be something big, right, whatever it is, it doesn't matter. It's just the fact that they failed them in some way, shape or form reinforces the belief that they can't trust them. So that's something that the avoidant, the attached partner, would have to work through.

Speaker 1: 20:41

But again, the securely attached person can help them with that, because they're going to show up consistently. They're going to want to meet their needs, they're going to be patient with them. Right, and this is part of the success factors that they have is that there's patience, there's understanding and, in a very huge way, the secure partner understands the avoidance need for space. Right, they don't get threatened by it, like when the avoidant partner pulls away, they see it more as okay, well, they just need some time to process, right? Maybe the avoidant goes out for a walk, or maybe they go for a drive, or maybe they just kind of pull away and shut down a little bit. The securely attached partner looks at that and says, okay, they're just processing.

Speaker 1: 21:21

Remember, this doesn't mean I want to make sure I'm clear with this the secure partner is not perfect, meaning it's not that they're never going to have any negative emotions or responses to these behaviors, but it does mean that, in general, the majority of the time they are wanting to meet the needs of the other person, they don't see them in a negative light. They can accept them for who they are and their understanding of why they are the way that they are right. That doesn't mean that they don't get frustrated at times or that they understand every single feeling that the avoidant or anxious person is feeling. It's that in general, they understand that they're people, right, that we're sinners, that we have flaws and all of those different things, right. So when the avoidant pulls away, the securely attached individual understands that that may be a way in which they've learned to cope and that's okay, right, they'll give them some space and then they'll check in and say, hey, are you ready to talk about this now, like what can we do to solve this problem? And they'll wait for the avoidant to be ready. And that's what the avoidant needs, right, they just want space. Let me process, let me figure this out first, and then we can re-engage.

Speaker 1: 22:42

The avoidant fears intimacy, right, and part of the securely attached individual's process is that they want to develop that level of intimacy, to talk about things, to know more about the avoidant right. But the avoidant feels like if I share too much, you're going to use this against me. Or again you're going to fail me in some way, shape or form. I don't know. If I share too much, you're going to use this against me. Or again you're going to fail me in some way, shape or form. I don't know if I can really trust you with this. So what the avoidant will do early on in the relationship is that they'll test those waters. They'll share a little bit, see how the other person responds, share a little bit more, see how they respond, share some more and more and more Right. And then, as they see this consistent, positive, non-judgmental response to how they cope with things, they start to gain a little bit more trust and a little bit more trust.

Speaker 1: 23:22

Again, it's a two-way street, right? Though the securely attached person can do this on a consistent basis, they do get tired in the process, right? If it's not reciprocated, like any. I think any relationship would feel that when efforts are not reciprocated to the other person, you know you get tired, emotionally, spiritually, mentally, physically even. Right, it affects the way that you show up. But again, we're talking in general.

Speaker 1: 23:51

The securely attached person will be able to meet those needs and understand and know that intimacy with the avoidant is going to take some time, much more time than it would with an anxiously attached individual. Right so the avoidant fears intimacy. The securely attached person takes his or her time to engage in certain levels of intimacy with that person, right? So those are some of those dynamics between the secure and the avoidant. What do everyday dynamics look like? Well, after a long day the secure partner could initiate quality time. Maybe let's watch a movie, right, there's no deep engagement in conversation, but maybe just spending time together like that, watching a movie or going for a walk or exercising together. Whatever the case is just they're again trying to find solutions or ways to be consistently present for the avoidant which the avoidant has not experienced before. Right, so the avoidant partner may enjoy the time but may need some time alone also to recharge. So it's almost kind of like an introvert, right?

Speaker 1: 24:53

Typically the description of an avoidant type would be kind of the strong, silent type. Right, they need to do things on their own, they've done things by themselves, they're very independent, so they don't really depend on other people, right, but with the securely attached person they learn to depend on them because they're trustworthy, they've shown, they have a record of being able to meet needs, of being able to address things in a in a calm way, of providing space right that they need. So, again, all of that builds trust for the avoidantly attached Individual right. Anytime if they need personal time, the secure partner understands and reinforces hey, it's okay, I know you need space and I don't feel rejected because of it. I understand that this is the way that you handle things and that's okay and that alleviates a lot of that pressure for the avoidant to engage in long conversations or to crave more intimacy with that person, to really talk about things that are bothering them and so on. There could be some emotional check-ins that the secure partner does right. Hey, you know, how are you feeling about this? You know, even though the avoiding partner might not feel safe enough to share, they will do so with time right, they first want to see that everything that the secure partner does has been consistent and ongoing and that they can trust in what they're doing right. So very, very important to understand that and they will, and this couple will experience the benefits of exploring this dynamic right that, again, the secure partner will eventually pull the avoidant partner to be less avoidance and to try to engage more. Right and again, it could still make the securely attached individual feel maybe a little bit unseen or misunderstood. But again, because they know their core self and who they are, you know they try to meet the needs of the other person as best way as they can, and some of that the biggest needs for the avoidant attachment style is space. So that's kind of what we, what we see here with this, with this dynamic. Now I thought I was going to be able to get to the see here, with this dynamic Now I thought I was going to be able to get to the unhealthy attachment style pairings, but I think I'm going to save that for next time. I think I covered a lot with these two healthy pairings and I hope that it's helpful.

Speaker 1: 27:26

But let me also address this other aspect of what does this have to do with God attachment? Right? I mean we see this in scripture, where there's a lot of people in the Bible that were running away from God. Right, I'm thinking about Jonah right now. What was it about his relationship with God that made him feel like he needed to run away from the mission that God had for him? Right? Was it the mission itself or did it have something to do with his relationship with God? What was it with Abraham to run away from the mission that God had for him? Right? Was it the mission itself or did it have something to do with his relationship with God? What was it with Abraham that made him feel so willing to sacrifice his own son on the altar right? What made him willing to be able to do that? I think any parent would naturally resist that command right and not want to do it and not see a purpose for that.

Speaker 1: 28:20

But Abraham's faith in God was so strong and there was a secure relationship that he trusted that whatever it was that God was going to do, it was going to be to his benefit. Right and again. That's the type of level of trust that we want to establish, not just in our earthly relationship but our relationship with God. How much do you trust him? How much do you see that he understands what you're going through I mean Hebrews 12 talks about that right that he understands that we don't have a high priest who doesn't know what we're experiencing, but he has experienced everything himself, because he came to earth to be a man, to experience everything that we've ever experienced and to die on the cross for our sins to be raised again on the third day. And now sits at the right hand. We'll come back one day, right? So we have this trust and this belief of God's consistent attentiveness to the needs that we have, to the needs that we have, not the wants that we have, but the needs. He always seeks ways to meet our needs and sometimes that's through a romantic relationship, right? Sometimes it's through mentorship, sometimes through family members, sometimes through friendship and sometimes through romantic relationships. Like. God uses the church, christian community, to meet certain needs, to bear one another's burdens, right, all the one another's. That you can find in the New Testament. That's the purpose of the Christian body, right, of the church.

Speaker 1: 29:51

So when you think about these relationship dynamics, right, and hopefully you've been able to identify kind of are you more secure or more anxious? There's a radical level of honesty that you have to have with yourself here as to are you secure, are you anxious? Are you avoidant, disorganized, which is kind of this fearful, avoidant, and I'll talk about that at some point down the road and I have talked about it, but maybe I'll do one on relationships. You have to be honest with yourself. Like do you, when you get close in relationships, do you become highly anxious and question everything about the relationship and question your own worth and value? And is it something that you're doing wrong, sometimes contributing to the feelings of rejection and being unwanted and so on? Right, do you respond more in that way? Or do you respond like the avoidant, that you want to withdraw, you want to pull back, you don't know if you trust the other person fully, like there's always doubts, something's going to go wrong, like.

Speaker 1: 30:50

If you respond like that, like own that about yourself so that you can move towards being less of what or move towards being less anxious, right, that you move towards a secure base and relationship. And if you are secure, then know that about yourself too. That you can, through your consistent behaviors towards the other person of loving and caring and wanting to meet their needs, you can help them change their attachment style. Right, you don't intentionally look to help someone else, right, you're not their savior in that sense, but there are some attachment styles. Again, that these pairings, that they can influence each other. Right, if you get the closest five people in your circle, you will be influenced by them and in a relationship, five people in your circle. You will be influenced by them and in a relationship, the person that you're with influences a lot of who you are.

Speaker 1: 31:38

So if you're with a secure attachment, securely attached individual, they're going to impact you and they're going to move you towards becoming less anxious, move you towards becoming less avoidant right, if you are a securely attached individual, then you're going to help people move in that direction as well and you might. Again, like I said, you can be affected by these relationships. So if you typically securely attached individual will know when to set boundaries, when to pull away from a relationship that's arming them or that's negatively affecting them, they'll be able to set those boundaries. Or that's negatively affecting them, they'll be able to set those boundaries right. But in general, a securely attached individual can see those things and they'll pull away. But if they see hope and they actually see that the relationship is positive and it's impacting them in a positive way, they'll stay in it right and they'll see change, and they typically see change in the other person, which is why they continue to invest in that relationship.

Speaker 1: 32:38

Okay, so yeah, securely attached individuals with anxious and securely attached with an avoidant, those can work and they can be healthy. It's just a matter of being able to identify and see what those things are and see what these success factors are. Like I said, the securely with the avoidant, and I'll leave you guys with these. The success factors for the secure and avoidant are patience, understanding and respecting the avoidance. Need for space With the securely attached and the anxiously attached, it's communication, emotional support and consistent, positive responsiveness, right, nonjudgmental. I understand why you have these fears and you know what can I do to help alleviate that. So these are the healthy relationships. Next time we'll look at the unhealthy relationships. Until then, thanks guys for tuning in. I'll see you next time.