God Attachment Healing
Hi everyone! Welcome to the God Attachment Healing Podcast. I'm your host, Sam Landa. This podcast is dedicated to Christians who want to understand why they relate to God in the way they do. I explore how our early childhood relationship with our parents--specifically with how they met or did not meet our needs--influences how we relate to ourselves, the church, and to God. Because much of the pains and struggles of life are intertwined in these three areas, I discuss with my guests how we can find healing from the pain, confusion, doubt, and anger experienced in these relationships. If you're interested in learning more about your attachment style and how to heal from the pain you’ve experienced in the relationships mentioned above, then this podcast is for you. Welcome to the show! I'm happy you're here!
God Attachment Healing
How Trauma Impacts Attachment Styles: The Fearful Avoidant (Disorganized Attachment)
Send Me Questions on Attachment
In today's episode, we delve into the complexities of the fearful avoidant attachment style, shedding light on its profound impacts on relationships and personal growth. I navigate the intricate behaviors associated with this attachment style, exploring how fear and anxiety can shape our interactions and emotional responses.
I also address the significant struggles with boundaries and trust that often accompany fearful avoidant individuals, providing insights into how these challenges manifest in daily life. I emphasize the importance of recognizing these patterns, fostering self-awareness and compassion as pivotal steps toward healing.
We also explore the process of healing attachment ruptures and trauma, unveiling techniques and practices that can facilitate recovery and promote secure attachments. Listeners will find solace in discussions about the importance of hope and encouragement, revealing how individuals can reframe their narratives and embrace healthier relational dynamics.
Through expert insights and heartfelt discussions, this episode aims to empower those grappling with their attachment styles, offering practical tools and unwavering support on their journey toward healing and connection. Tune in to discover a pathway to understanding yourself and nurturing deep, meaningful relationships grounded in trust and love.
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God Attachment Healing
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My mission is to help you understand your attachment style to learn how you can heal from the pain you’ve experienced in your relationship with God, the church and yourself.
I look forward to walking alongside you as you draw closer to Christ!
All right, everyone, welcome back to the God Attachment Healing Podcast. I'm excited that you're here, as we've been going through this series of learning about the different attachment styles We've done the anxious attachment style, we've done the avoidant attachment style and today I'm going to be talking about the disorganized attachment style, or also known as the fearful, avoidance attachment style. So we'll go through some characteristics, some examples, some common issues that come up for them in relationships, and then we'll look at some ways to resolve some of those issues. And, yeah, so this has been really really great series because, again, a lot of the work that I do is attachment-based, attachment-related, and it's some of the most insightful information that you can have and research on how you interact in relationships. Actually, I had one of my supervisors. She called it the not just an attachment style, she called it an adaptation style, because we adapt to the people that we encounter and that can be adapting in a secure way, in an anxious way, in an avoidant way and, in today's case, in a fearful, avoidant way, which is really not attaching to another person, and we'll discuss some of that. But, again, if you're here, again, thank you for tuning in. I appreciate your support and feel free to share this episode with other people who are wanting to understand their attachment styles. I'll continue to discuss specific issues that each attachment style encounters. So I'm going to talk about some of those today, but I think I'm going to start doing some other series on attachment and, for those of you who are listening, I'm going to make a slight shift in the content of this podcast.
Speaker 1:So I am in the last year of my coursework for my doctoral degree and so I'm trying to narrow down a specific topic, and it's going to have to do with attachment. I've been studying this for years now, but I've been trying to get an angle here as to what would be best to research, and I'm looking at another professor shared with me about that. There's new research being done on divine forgiveness, which is accepting the forgiveness of God when we are broken in our relationship with him, when there's a rupture in the attachment. So I'm trying to see if any of the attachment styles are more prone to receive that forgiveness and are they also better at doing self-forgiveness and other forgiveness. So I'm really excited about what I'm going to find and I think that's going to be a good direction to take this research, this dissertation topic. So that's what I'm thinking of right now.
Speaker 1:So, as you see, in the next coming weeks I'll be probably doing some videos on that and sharing some research articles with you and hopefully it's not too nerdy for you. Hopefully that you're able to enjoy the information that I'm reading and, yeah, I'm looking forward to that. So, again, leave a review, send me comments, send me questions, send me topics. I'm always open to touching on topics that you guys are interested in listening to. So, yeah, let's get into today's topic, on the. I'm going to call it the fearful, avoidant attachment style, because that's pretty much more accurate than disorganized. Disorganized also just kind of seems that well, I mean, it would fall into place, because it's the idea of not knowing really what to feel, what to think, how to relate to people who start to get close to you. Okay, so let's discuss some of the characteristics of a disorganized attachment style.
Speaker 1:And, as I was thinking about this topic with those who have a fearful, avoidant attachment style, there's usually a trauma in their life, a significant level of trauma in their childhood. Sometimes it can be very recent, but typically it's childhood wounds and traumas that have multiplied over the years. Right that they've had consistent interactions and relationships where they will always hurt in some way, shape or form, where they will always hurt in some way, shape or form. And again, abuse. Specifically, whether it be physical, emotional, verbal, spiritual. The repetitiveness of experiencing abuse is going to be similar to repetitiveness of withholding needs that you have. So in childhood. For those who have experienced childhood trauma, it can be one of those two things Either you were physically, sexually, emotionally, verbally abused right on a consistent basis for a long period of time, and it's affected the way that you view yourself and the way that you view others. The other part of it is needs that you had were withheld, so maybe you didn't experience any of the other types of abuse, but there was neglect and withholding or the inability to provide for certain needs that you had growing up right. So emotional needs, physical needs, spiritual needs, any of those types of things. If you didn't get that as a child, that also has similar effects in regarding regarding trauma right, whether it be through abuse or through neglect and withdrawing of needs. It's going to have very similar impact on how the person relates or how they view themselves and how they view other people.
Speaker 1:As a quick recap, you know when you have these different attachment styles. You have kind of the views that they have of themselves and the views that they have of others. So a secure attachment because their needs have been met by their primary caregivers and that has been consistent and they've experienced that in most of their relationships. Right, they're going to have a positive view of self. I have needs and my needs are worthy of being met and I have people in my life who have been able to meet those needs and I've seen this on a consistent basis. Maybe it was one person or two person who weren't able to do that, but in general my needs were being met and in general I feel good about myself. They have a good self-esteem as a Christian. They're able to see that God does love them. They don't question it, they understand it, they receive it and even more so because God uses people in their lives, or has used people in their lives, to confirm that view that they are important and they are valuable in God's eyes. So it's a secure attachment.
Speaker 1:The anxious person has a low view of self or negative view of self and a positive view of others, right, so in relationships they question a lot as to maybe I did something wrong and that's why my needs are not being met. That's why they're not able to meet my needs. There's something wrong with me, but they're good. You know, I really love them, I appreciate them. Look how great they are, you know, they're just such a great person. So they they kind of put other people on a pedestal and have people pleasing tendencies, but as they're doing that, they're doing it to gain favor in the eyes of the person that they're, that they're with, be romantically or friendship, and with God it's kind of the same thing the more I do, the more accepted I'm going to be by God, right? So they become very religious and sometimes legalistic in their behaviors to obtain favor from the Lord.
Speaker 1:Those who are avoidant they have a low view or a negative view of others and a high or positive view of themselves. So these are the highly independent, successful people who would pull themselves up by the bootstraps and they're able to conquer anything that you put in front of them, because that's what they've had to do, whether it's because their needs weren't being met as children or that they were abused. They didn't have anyone to really depend on, so they had to depend on themselves. They had to find ways for them to create space and room to grow. So they just learned not to depend on anyone else. No one else is trustworthy, no one's able to meet my needs, so I have to find ways to be able to meet my own needs. So they become very driven, very successful, very type A and, yeah, they take care of business, right.
Speaker 1:But on the flip side to that, they don't have any deep, intimate emotional relationships with people, nor with God. Right, they respect God, they understand who God is, they kind of see themselves as good people. You know that they don't really need God's forgiveness, but you know they understand that it's something that the Bible teaches and they can accept that truth. Right, but they don't really need God's forgiveness, but you know they understand that it's something that the Bible teaches and they can accept that truth. Right, but they don't have an intimate emotional relationship with the Lord like feeling close to Jesus. Right, they don't have that.
Speaker 1:But, as we'll discuss today, now we have the fearful avoidant, which is a combination of the anxious and the avoidant attachment styles they struggle with trying to figure out how do I actually feel? What is my body feeling? What is my mind thinking? How am I relating to people. Why do I feel so triggered all the time? I want closeness, but I don't know what to do with it.
Speaker 1:When it arrives, they have all these mixed emotions and contradictory feelings and thoughts that it confuses them and it places a lot of stress on them. I mean, that's what trauma does. Trauma places your body in a state of confusion, right, your body is saying one thing and your mind is trying to communicate something else. Your body is feeling a certain way and your mind is trying to make sense of why you're feeling that way, and there may not be any logical reason in that moment for why your body is experiencing that or why you're feeling that way. Right, but again, if you think about childhood and needs that weren't being met, you might be in survival mode, and that is typically what happens for people who have experienced trauma.
Speaker 1:So what are some of the characteristics of the fearful, avoidant attachment style? Well, something that I just alluded to right now contradictory or erratic behavior in relationships, right? So a common example of this could be the person who wants to be close. Right, they want you to be with them, but every time that you're with them, they also get easily triggered or easily upset with you. Everything bothers them. They become anxious. When you're close to them, they start to question. They kind of ask these questions of do you really love me? And you could say yes and you could show them multiple examples of you loving them, but they don't believe it right, so they say no. But they don't believe it right, so they say no, you really don't. They kind of self-sabotage the relationship and then, when they do that, they push you away and then they want you back. So there's this back and forth of wanting closeness, wanting intimacy, but at the same time not knowing what to do with it when they have it. And gosh, I mean, if you can imagine.
Speaker 1:You know I do a lot of work with trauma with our students and it's such a hard place to be in because your body and your mind are trying to make sense of each other. Right, you know, trauma is very much body oriented, like your body is experiencing things that you don't fully understand because it doesn't make sense within the context that you're in. Right, you could be dating or seeing or being in a friendship with someone who is a secure person, but you don't understand that because the thinking is going to be why is this person with me. Why do they even like me? Like I have all these flaws and all these things, but you know, I really love them, I really care about them. But why do they even like me? Like I have all these flaws and all these things, but you know, I really love them, I really care about them, but why do I also keep pushing them away? Right? So there's these contradictory feelings and behaviors where, um, they don't know what to do. When someone is able to connect with them and be close to them and ask them questions, right, sometimes they'll be very open and vulnerable and then they'll pull back and feel like they share too much and they'll start to question like, should I have shared that much? And they completely close off. So it's a very confusing situation for them to try to make sense of all of that. They don't deem themselves worthy.
Speaker 1:Again, classic characteristic of a fearful avoidant is going to be a negative view of self I'm not worthy, I don't deserve this, all of these different types of messages and at the same time, have a negative view of other people where no one's able to meet my needs, no one cares about me, even though they may have a lot of evidence that people do love them. Right, and usually because the fearful avoidant is kind of rough around the edges or is kind of distant but then seeks and desires closeness, almost to a point of, you know, kind of suffocating the relationship in a sense, and it goes back and forth. People tend to move away from that because they don't know what to expect with this person. Right, and it can be very difficult and very straining to experience that in a in a relationship. Right, they're very.
Speaker 1:The fearful avoidant is fearful of both seeking closeness and maintaining distance. Right, it's this idea of I want to be close but I also don't want you too close. Where you know me too much, right, I want you to know me but also not know me fully. Just maybe like 30%, and then maybe, if you pass that next test, maybe we'll go up to 40%, then 50, then 60. Oh wait, 60%, that's too much right. Actually, I'm going to close up now and I'll get you back down to 40, 30%, right? So that's kind of the thinking behind it is that they don't really know what they want. So that's kind of the thinking behind it is that they don't really know what they want because it's all new to them Safety, security, being able to meet their needs like it's new to them. You know, sometimes they've had to fend for themselves and provide for themselves and they can, you know, really appreciate the fact that they were able to do that. And then other times someone has been able to meet their needs and they appreciate that, but it hasn't been consistent enough for them to really really believe it.
Speaker 1:They have a lot of difficulty in regulating their emotions and responses, so they're very reactive to difficult situations, right? One thing that I've said quite often on the podcast is that you don't get to learn about a person's attachment style by seeing how they interact with everyone around them, especially in public. Right, you know more about someone's attachment style as you get closer and closer to them. And, specifically, when there is a stressful situation that arises within the relationship right, conflict, anything like that that's where you start to see how does the person respond when they are under stress or are needing to encounter conflict, needing to address something. Right, that's when you really get to see what the attachment style is.
Speaker 1:Right, the anxious person is gonna want to address issues right away. They feel like it's all their fault and they wanna figure it out. They wanna problem solve. They want to resolve it. At that moment the avoidant is going to say, no, I need some time to think about it. But really they just don't want to engage their emotions. So they pull away, they close off.
Speaker 1:The fearful avoidant experiences all of that and they don't know where they land. So they're not one or the other, they're both. And the thing is that it's random. You don't know when they're going to respond which way. So that makes it difficult for them to not just understand and identify their emotions but then to regulate their emotions right. And a common problem or issue with fearful avoidance is that they don't. They have a hard time understanding how they actually feel right, because their body feels a certain way and their mind is thinking that they feel a certain way. And again, with all that background, with trauma and consecutive painful relationships, you can't. It's hard for them to make sense of all of that right. So that's why consistency of good behaviors towards them loving, security, meeting needs like that needs to be so consistent for a long period of time so that they can start to see that people actually do care about them.
Speaker 1:I always say that the antidote to helping someone move from anxious avoidance, fearful avoidance. To secure is to spend time around secure people, to spend time with the Lord, to spend time in Christian community. All of these things can reinforce this idea of obtaining a secure attachment style. But the difficulty with fearful avoidance is that they need long periods of time of consistent good behavior that is oriented towards meeting their needs. And so it takes time and usually people don't stick around that long. So after a short while could be a month, could be two months, could be three months people start to pull away because they can't deal with the reactive responses that the fearful avoidant has. They tend to vacillate and I kind of alluded to this earlier between approach and avoidance.
Speaker 1:There's a history of unresolved trauma or inconsistent caregiving experiences, which I've been talking about. There's a lack of unresolved trauma or inconsistent caregiving experiences, which I've been talking about, and there's a lack of coherent attachment strategies. They don't know how to relate to people, right, because they're always questioning is this person going to love me, right? Is this person is it worth it? Is it worth it for me to start investing in this relationship, knowing that it's not going to go anywhere, knowing that it's going to end, knowing that eventually they're not going to like me anymore, knowing that they're going to think I'm too much right. So they have all of these thoughts going on in their heads that it freezes them. Sometimes they don't know what to do and the times that they do act it always kind of blows things up. Know what to do and the times that they do act it always kind of blows things up. Everything always gets heated and it turns really bad and creates a lot of chaos for them, for the other person. So they don't have any coherent attachment strategy, they don't know how to actually relate to other people. And it makes sense. I mean, could you imagine I'm trying to think of a good example of this of something that a person needs and they know that they need it and they want it, but when they have it they don't know exactly what to do with it. I mean that can be so frustrating. Here's a good example. Maybe it's a mild example, but it's a good example.
Speaker 1:You know I like playing sports. So there's three sports that I'll play any time of the day that I enjoy. So I enjoy football, I enjoy basketball, I enjoy MMA. So if I'll play any time of the day that I enjoy, so I enjoy football, I enjoy basketball, I enjoy MMA. So if I'm doing any of those three things, I feel confident and competent enough to do those things and to do them well. Right. But if I need to learn how to play golf, I'll try to learn, but I'm not going to be good at it and I'm going to be very easily frustrated with not being able to do it. Actually, my brother, he actually golfs and he's gotten pretty good at it, and the times that he's asked me to go play, or the times that I played with him, it's so interesting to me how frustrated I get because I can't get it, because in my mind, I'm thinking to myself I should be able to get this, I should be able to know how to swing, I should be able to point the ball in that direction and make it in the hole, right, I should be able to do that, but I can't and it frustrates me. So it's something that I feel that I should be able to do and it's something that, if I want to spend time with my brother, with people that I care about, that I want to enjoy doing and that I want to learn how to do, but I can't, I feel like I can't, right. So I just don't try it anymore.
Speaker 1:So that's a very basic or small example related to sports, but in relationships it's kind of the same thing. I know that I need to relate to people. I know that I need to surround myself with people who are secure in their attachment, who are respectful and who are kind and who are able to regulate their emotions Like. I know that. But when I try to do those things, it doesn't come as easily for me as it does for them. So it's better for me not to try. Right?
Speaker 1:This is the fearful, avoidant talking that they know that they want and that they need to be with good people, with people with Christian community. They need to be closer to the Lord. They know that they need these things, but they don't know or feel competent enough to do it right. They don't feel like I'm actually drawing close, like they're actually drawing closer to the Lord. They don't feel like they're doing things right. They don't feel like they really understand people in their community, their Christian community and their churches right. They don't feel like they understand their families. So they constantly are in this state of back and forth of either. I'm going to avoid the thing that makes me uncomfortable, the thing that I need as much as I want it. I'm either going to avoid it or, if I try it, I'm going to be frustrated when I try it Again, even as I'm talking about it. You know, I can just imagine how frustrating it must be for someone to feel like they don't know what they're doing or feel like, every time they do try to do it, that they're doing everything wrong. So yeah, so that kind of captures the idea for what a fearful avoidant may experience and some characteristics of that. Now, some examples of this can be displaying intense and unpredictable emotional responses. So I kind of mentioned that earlier.
Speaker 1:Engaging in self-sabotaging behaviors in relationships right, you'll often see a lot of self-fulfilling prophecies with the fearful avoidant right In their minds. They already have the belief that things are not going to work out, that eventually this friend is going to work out, that eventually this friend is going to leave them, that eventually they're going to find someone better than them, someone who is more accomplished or who's more competent, who's better at socializing with other people, right, and so that's what they believe. They just believe that at some point people are just going to leave. You know, they don't believe that anyone's going to stay with them for the long haul, and why would they believe that someone would when they haven't experienced that right?
Speaker 1:So, again, when it comes to therapy work with people who have experienced trauma, like, they need such a consistency of positive behaviors and engagement, and relating to and for a long period of time, right Again, depending on the work that's being done, both inside and outside of session. They can, you know, shorten maybe that time, that time gap, but for the most part they need it to be long-term, right. That's why you try to connect them with people like who's who's the most secure person or the most, the person that you enjoy being around the most or that you would like to be around the most. Get close to that person, just spend time around them, right, talk to them and just see how do you feel, how does your body feel when you're around this person, right? So you try to find a safe, a corrective attachment figure in their daily life so that you can encourage them to engage that relationship a little bit more, because what happens sometimes is that they'll try to do that with everyone, and so in one day they could interact with five people and all five of those people, reject them or treat them horribly or just don't acknowledge them, and it reinforces the belief that, see, I'm not important. You know all these five people, they, they didn't have time for me, they didn't do this or you know it didn't work out right. But if you encourage them to go to one person on multiple occasions throughout a certain period of time, at some point that healthy person is going to rub off on them, right, they're going to start to see hey to this person. It was a little bit hard initially, but now they've kind of stuck around with me, right that they're kind of here and they're present and they're well, it's cool to see how they're relating to me. They're just treating me like a normal person. You know, I've never experienced this before, right, so I would encourage that. Right, having a small group, maybe two, maybe three people that you can focus on. That are healthy, corrective attachment figures in their life. It doesn't have to be a parent, it could be a friend, it can be a pastor, a leader, a sibling, right, just whoever they find that they feel safe around, that their body feels calm and relaxed and, just, you know, safe with. So that's what I would encourage.
Speaker 1:They feel confused or conflicted about intimacy and autonomy, like they know that they need to be independent but at the same time, they want to be close to other people. So they can be very driven at one point and then just very dependent on others at other times, right, they struggle with identity and self-concept due to past trauma. So this is where shame comes into play, right? Shame is the identity piece that almost everyone who experiences trauma has, right, that they believe something about themselves due to their past trauma. So when your needs aren't met as a young child, you know, even going into teenagers, if your needs have not been met, you feel that you're not important enough, that you're not worthy enough, because if you were, then people would want to meet your needs, right?
Speaker 1:So what that does is that creates this belief system of you. Know, people are just not dependable, right? And maybe there's something wrong with me too. What is it about me that people don't want to meet my needs, right? So, again, going back to that aspect of negative view of self and negative view of others, right, others are not capable of loving me. Well, others don't have the resources or don't have the ability to love me. Well, they don't want to love me, so there's something wrong with them. But also, I wonder, if there's something wrong with me, what do I say? What do I do? What am I doing right now that's pushing people away? What's wrong with me, right? So, again, those conversations are constantly in their mind. So they take on the identity of I'm not worthy, I'm not good enough for other people, right, so that's a very common shame belief that happens for people who have experienced trauma, belief that happens for people who have experienced trauma, right.
Speaker 1:So now, how does this show up, then, in their relationships? Right, what are some common issues that they encounter in their relationships? Again, this could be romantic and it can be in friendships, but one of the big ones is challenges in establishing boundaries and expectations right. And this makes sense, right, as you think about it. Why would someone who is fearful avoid and experience difficulties setting boundaries and expectations right? So they know, in order to be respected, in order to be loved, like I have to set some level of boundaries, like I can't just let people walk over me.
Speaker 1:But then, if I set those boundaries, what if that pushes them away? Right? So they have that struggle of, hey, I don't like how this person treated me, and they've done that multiple times. I need to tell them that they can't do that anymore. Or I just need to spend less time away from them, because I really don't like how I feel when they do that to me, right? When they don't return my texts, or they don't return my calls, or they cancel my art plans. You know all of these different things. So with that, it's okay.
Speaker 1:So I need to establish that boundary for myself, but at the same time, I really want to be with them. I want to be around them. So if I set this boundary, ain't that going to push them away? Like, won't that make them hate me and think that I'm just being too petty about these things? Right? So they're going back and forth. They can't establish boundaries because they're afraid that if they do, people are going to pull away. Right? And again remember that's the recurring theme is that people have not stayed long enough. So if they're already not staying long enough and I haven't set any boundaries, now I'm going to set boundaries and push more people away. Right? This is what they believe that if I set boundaries now, no one's going to want to be with me for sure. Right? So not realizing that, setting boundaries and doing that for a consistent amount of time is going to draw in the people that are able to respect those boundaries right.
Speaker 1:Again, this can only be done in the context of a healthy, secure attachment. Like, they need to have someone in their life who can demonstrate to them that they are going to be able to respect those boundaries and, even as they set those boundaries, that the other person is still going to continue to want to meet up with them and want to spend time with them. Right? That is going to change the way that they perceive themselves and the way that they perceive other people, right? So, hopefully, start moving into more. They start moving into more positive direction positive expectation of themselves and of others, of themselves and of others.
Speaker 1:This is a big one here the idea of trusting other people, right. Difficulty trusting others and themselves, and that's important, right. Someone who has a fearful, avoidant attachment style will look back at their relationships and they are going to say two things One man, everyone that I've ever encountered and I've been in a relationship or that I had a friend for this amount of time, like they all left me. They're all jerks, right. They're all horrible people. Why would they do that to me. What's wrong with them? Right, and then, right after that, follow that with what's wrong with me. What is it with them? And then, right after that, follow that with what's wrong with me. What is it about me that's not keeping them around? So is it me? Do I not have the ability to choose good people, to choose the right people, safe people in my life? And here my counselor is asking me to find someone who's safe. I don't even know what that looks like, right, and that's where the counselor can help them.
Speaker 1:Okay, well, let's look at some behaviors. You know who in your life does A, b and C and you could talk about those things right. Who serves other people and who does it consistently? Who do you want to be like? Right? Is there someone in your church that you admire, that you look up to? Right, so you help them explore some safe, secure people in their lives. But they don't trust themselves to make that decision right, so they will need some help early on to be able to identify that. But then also the other people that they select. What we're hoping for is that they're able to establish that expectation of your needs are important to me and I do want to meet them, and here's how I can meet them right, so that they can start to establish a level of trust in other people. Right, we don't want them to trust everyone. It's not blind trust to other people. We want them to trust safe people. Okay, but they have difficulty with that since they don't trust themselves in being able to identify those people.
Speaker 1:We talked about emotional regulation, but an important part of that is how do they handle conflict, right? So the reason why you want to be good at regulating your emotions is so that when stress or conflict arises, you're able to manage your own emotions and engage in that situation in a more productive manner. Okay, these people who have fearful, avoidant attachment style, they don't know how to regulate their emotions, so they kind of explode or they're very reactive or they completely shut down from tense situations, right? So if there's high stress, if there's conflict arising, even the anticipation of it right, their bodies anticipate that there's going to be conflict at some point. So they're always living in this state of high alertness and anxiety and stress and pain and everything that you can think of, because they're anticipating that something is going to go wrong. They're expecting it, right, and again, based on their history, it would make sense.
Speaker 1:They fear intimacy and vulnerability, right? So when you talk about, well, you need to be more vulnerable and you need, you know that's the only way to develop closeness. They don't understand that because the times that they have been vulnerable if they have in the past, it's either been used against them or when they were in their most vulnerable state, they were left to meet their own needs and no one came to attend them. Right Again, go back to their childhood and they see this repeated as they get older. So for them, vulnerability is not worth it to gain intimacy, because it's a high risk for them. I want intimacy, like they want intimacy, but when you say vulnerability and share how you feel and do all of these things, for them it's like no, I can't. If I do that, it's just going to lead me to more hurt. So why do that? Maybe I'd just pull back. So they avoid intimacy as much as they want it. Right, they want intimacy, but they have not seen vulnerability help them in obtaining that.
Speaker 1:And, lastly, patterns of engaging in harmful or abusive relationships. So, unfortunately, you know one of the sad things about this because they can't identify what healthy looks like, they're always in unhealthy relationships, right, which are harmful or abusive, whether it be them towards other people or others towards them. It's just a relationship of chaos, right? Everyone's hurting everyone, you know. This is why high conflict couples typically have those this kind of fearful, avoidant attachment style. They're both traumatized individuals and they are with each other because it makes sense how they're each experiencing their world and they both have the same expectations for themselves.
Speaker 1:So conflict, high conflict, strong emotions, all of these things that is just what seems normal to them, right? Maybe they grew up in a chaotic household where that was the norm Yelling, screaming, name calling, hitting, all these different things If that was their norm. Even if they experienced that in their relationship at a lesser degree, it still feels normal for them and in their mind they rationalize and they think well, it's better than what my parents used to do or what I saw when I was growing up, so it must be good, right? So just because it was slightly better, or better than the most horrible situation that you can think of, they see that as an improvement and they stay in the relationship because it's not as bad as what they saw growing up or it's not as bad as their previous relationship. So they'll remain in those harmful, abusive relationships.
Speaker 1:And it's really sad again because you want people to heal. I heard I mean, I just finished reading this and this is something that I believe myself, but a licensed therapist was talking about you don't have to be fully healed to go into a relationship. You don't have to be perfect or have everything down perfectly to enter all the relationship skills and conflict resolution. You don't do that perfectly on your own. You have to be in a relationship right. So there's a misconception in the field where people say well, first you got to heal by yourself before you enter into a relationship. You know it's partially true.
Speaker 1:You need to be doing the work to develop self-awareness and understand what your triggers are, understand how you operate, how you deal with conflict, how you deal with stressors in your life, right, you have to understand those things. But the only way to actually know if you are understanding them is to be in relationship right. So there is a space where you have to engage relationships or be in a relationship Again. It can be a friendship, it can be with your sibling, with your parents, in a romantic relationship, but you need a space to practice this new understanding that you have of your triggers and of things, that of how stress affects you, right? What happens, are you able to read, are you able to identify the emotions, are you able to regulate those emotions, and so on, right, so you want to have better understanding, but you can't practice that in isolation. You have to do that in relationship, okay?
Speaker 1:So when it comes to therapy, and how do you actually address these things, you know, one of the biggest things that you want to do is helping the person regulate their emotions right, developing skills to manage those strong emotions when they come. So there's a couple of things that go into that. First, it's what's their range of emotion, okay, meaning, um. First, it's what's their range of emotion, Okay, meaning their emotional expressions. Is it stunted, is it limited or is it expansive? Like you're going to see people who are either shut down completely and they experienced just a small range of emotions like sadness or anger, right, and that's it. Um. Then you have a larger range of emotion where the person can go from completely erupt in a violent rage and then completely shut down, but they also experience everything in between, where sometimes they're happy, sometimes they're sad, other times they're moody and then other times they're overly excited and sometimes they're manic. So they have all this broad range of emotions, overly excited and sometimes they're manic. So they have all this broad range of emotions and so you want to kind of identify how much is their range?
Speaker 1:Right, and then, once you see what their range is, then you say, okay, can you identify what you're actually feeling? Like? Do you feel angry or are you afraid of something? Right, that's a really clear distinction. And oftentimes anger is, or stems from fear of something right, a fear of losing a relationship. So the person becomes angry and tries to control the situation. Right, so can the person identify a difference between anger and fear, or fear and anxiety? So you start to help them identify. So what does that actually feel like? Like, how would you describe the emotion that you're experiencing right now? What does your body feel like at this moment? Right, so they need to tie what their body's experiencing with the emotion that they're trying to describe.
Speaker 1:Right, because that's gonna help them again identify their emotion and then know what they need to work to regulate that emotion in order to engage in addressing the stressful situation that they're in. Right, so it's what's the range? Can they accurately and correctly identify the emotion? Do they have the ability to express that emotion right? If I'm angry, there's a healthy way to express anger and there's an unhealthy way to express anger right, so I'm angry, there's a healthy way to express anger and there's an unhealthy way to express anger, right. So you want them to be able to express it correctly in order for them to have multiple experiences and practices or practice, I'm sorry of being able to regulate that emotion right. The more evidence they see of themselves identifying and regulating emotions, the better they can get at that. So emotional regulation very, very important.
Speaker 1:And because they come from an attachment perspective again, most people, most counselors, understand you know attachment styles and attachment theory and so on. So when you talk about traumas, you look at, okay, who were the key attachment figures or the primary caregivers for them in their lives? And then you try to see, okay, was it an abuse, was something that was done to them or something that was withheld from them? Right, that way you can identify you as the counselor, or us as counselors, or you as a friend or parent or sibling right, the way that you can look at that is okay. Whatever they lacked in their childhood, am I able to provide that, or can I provide them with the resource that is able to provide that for them? Right, it could be physical needs, it could be that it could be emotional, just having emotional language, a space where they can share how they're feeling about something, because maybe when they were growing up, anytime they expressed an emotion, it was shut down. It was, you know, responded to with shaming, like no, you shouldn't feel that way. You shouldn't feel that way. You shouldn't feel that way. So that's the message that they get. So they just keep everything to themselves. But if that's what they need and you identify that, then give them space to share emotions and your response is going to dictate how willing they're going to be to share next time.
Speaker 1:Okay, so we've got to address those past traumas and attachment ruptures. Where was the ruptures? Who did they have ruptures with? Because, speaking to a Christian audience, sometimes it's people within the church, right? So Christians have started to leave the church because they say, well, you know I experienced church hurt and you know the church is supposed to represent Christ and you know, every time I've gone to church I've been hurt. Yeah, you know, there's one part of it where, yeah, I mean, there's still people that go to church who are also hurt, and they carry that hurt towards other people too. So it's kind of understanding is when you were growing up, did you have some attachment ruptures with people from the church? Maybe it was a leader, maybe it was a friend. You know a parent that started gossiping about your parents or about you, right? So you start to have all these beliefs about the church and those are ruptures that need to be addressed. So those are some things to be mindful of there.
Speaker 1:And then, lastly here, attachment repair work, where we build secure internal working models through therapy, how they feel and what they're thinking and identifying where in their body it is that they're experiencing pain or discomfort or anything like that. So they have to identify where their body, what their body is feeling, what emotion they're experiencing and then what thoughts they're having. And you try to do that through the relationship that they have with their counselor, right? So the counselor would start. For me, as a counselor, what I would start to do is okay, what do they think? How do you feel? You know, in this, in this interaction that we've been having, you know I try to address something that may cause some stress for them. Maybe I have to confront them about something, right, how are you feeling right now? Does it feel like safe for us to address that? And they may say yes, they may say no, but I'm trying to bring that up to see how they're responding and knowing that that person and I, that we can co-regulate right, that's such an important piece to attachment therapy work is that we co-regulate, that I help them understand that, hey, I'm not going to go anywhere. If you share some strong emotion, I'm here with you. We're doing the work together. Right, let's do this. And again, that gives them a sense of security and if they have multiple examples of that happening to them, then they can start to believe that other people also care about them. Okay, again, we want them to develop a secure attachment style, and the way that that happens is through consistent, multiple positive behaviors towards them that meet their needs and it's for an extended period of time. Right, that's what we're looking for for. And, yeah, so that is the fearful, avoidant attachment style and a lot of, I see.
Speaker 1:For those of you who are listening, if you have experienced trauma in your past, hopefully this episode was helpful for you, but I know that this work. You know you can try to do some of these things on your own, but I would recommend that if you do have some significant trauma and have experienced these things that I've been talking about, that you do try to find a counselor and see them and see if you can do some or not. You've experienced trauma. See how your current relationships are going the close ones right, not the distant ones, like people who you're close with what. What are the patterns that you're seeing there? Okay, and if those kind of demonstrate or illustrate the characteristics and examples that I mentioned on today's episode, then go and seek a counselor. You know, take that step. It's going to be a lot of work, it's going to be hard work, but it is possible.
Speaker 1:And remember, at the end of this, all I know we talk about the work that Christ does in our lives and that he changes us from the inside out. Actually, there's a really good book that I would encourage you to read. It's by Larry Crabb. Dr Larry Crabb passed away a couple years ago, but he was someone that really took on. I mean, I read most of his books and kind of really appreciated his approach to therapy and his commitment to the gospel. And at the end of this, as we're talking about this, is that oftentimes people who have experienced trauma have these powerful testimonies and it's because of the work that the Lord does through the church, through his word, through prayer, right. So these are kind of the three, the big three that I call when it comes to correcting.
Speaker 1:An attachment is seeking God out in prayer, seeking him through community. An attachment is seeking God out in prayer, seeking him through community, right and also continuing to do the work that, um, that is, uh, laid before you. Right, we still have the effects of sin, right, we experienced the effects of sin, and sometimes that's because we've been hurt by others. Sometimes it was we've hurt other people, and in that we can still find healing through the community, through our churches, through reading scripture, through prayer. We can find healing there.
Speaker 1:I'm not going to oversimplify it and say if you do these three things, you will get better, right, because we don't know, I don't know, I don't know if you're going to get better, right, because we don't know, I don't know, I don't know if you're going to get better, right, but I do know that you can establish a sense of hope that you will get better, and it's a lot different. Right, it's a perspective thing. But if we look at scripture, I mean there were many, many people in the Bible who either didn't find healing or weren't able to see the ultimate promise of God. Right, they just believed that. They had faith so much that they knew that God was going to deliver on his promise, right. So God Jesus is going to return, right, that's one of the promises. He is going to return and he is going to take us home and there will be no more pain, no more tears, no more suffering, and I look forward to that day.
Speaker 1:I hope you guys do too, and hopefully, as we talk about these attachment styles, you know, yeah, as difficult, as tough as they may be to experience what you're experiencing, know that there will be one day where we will not be experiencing any of this with each other, and specifically with Christ. So I hope this was encouraging for you. Take what you can and apply what you can and, yeah, guys, hope you're blessed by it. Have a good one and I'll see you next time.