God Attachment Healing
Hi everyone! Welcome to the God Attachment Healing Podcast. I'm your host, Sam Landa. This podcast is dedicated to Christians who want to understand why they relate to God in the way they do. I explore how our early childhood relationship with our parents--specifically with how they met or did not meet our needs--influences how we relate to ourselves, the church, and to God. Because much of the pains and struggles of life are intertwined in these three areas, I discuss with my guests how we can find healing from the pain, confusion, doubt, and anger experienced in these relationships. If you're interested in learning more about your attachment style and how to heal from the pain you’ve experienced in the relationships mentioned above, then this podcast is for you. Welcome to the show! I'm happy you're here!
God Attachment Healing
Overcoming Avoidant Attachment: Navigating Trust and Vulnerability for Deeper Bonds
Send Me Questions on Attachment
What if your quest for independence is actually a barrier to deeper emotional intimacy? Welcome back to the God Attachment Healing Podcast, where we tackle the complexities of avoidant, or dismissive, attachment styles. We begin by examining how early childhood experiences, where emotional needs were inconsistently met, can lead individuals to become self-reliant and uncomfortable with emotional closeness. These high-achievers often struggle to connect on a deeper level, despite their outward success.
Throughout this episode, we uncover the specific behaviors and challenges faced by those with an avoidant attachment style. From difficulties in trusting others to a fear of losing autonomy, avoidantly attached individuals frequently downplay the significance of emotional bonds, preferring solitary activities. Yet, beneath their self-sufficient exterior, they secretly long for meaningful connections. We explore the impact of these tendencies on various types of relationships, including friendships, romantic partnerships, and family dynamics, emphasizing the importance of tangible support as a form of emotional closeness.
Finally, we guide avoidantly attached individuals towards a path of healing and developing a more secure attachment style through vulnerability. Practical steps include emotional regulation, expanding one's emotional vocabulary, and addressing past wounds. Revisiting past experiences to reframe beliefs about relationships and closeness is also crucial. By gradually opening up to someone who is consistently present, avoidant individuals can foster healthier relationships and build stronger connections with God. Join us for an enlightening discussion aimed at transforming your relational dynamics and deepening your connection with the divine.
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My mission is to help you understand your attachment style to learn how you can heal from the pain you’ve experienced in your relationship with God, the church and yourself.
I look forward to walking alongside you as you draw closer to Christ!
Well, welcome back everyone to the God Attachment Healing Podcast. I am working through a series on the different attachment styles and last week we discussed the anxious attachment style and described some characteristics, some examples, some common issues with that attachment style and also provided some guidance on what they can do to become more secure. And today we're going to talk about the avoidant attachment style and I know for the most part, I think, people who have requested these episodes they're one or the other. They're usually the anxious wanting to know about the avoidant, or they're one or the other. They're usually the anxious wanting to know about the avoidant or they're the avoidant wanting to learn a little bit about the anxious. But that's more rare with the avoidant attachment style and we'll discuss today a little bit as to why that's the case. But yeah, it's been interesting to see these combinations of anxious and avoidant and how they typically tend to attract one another and ultimately also how the anxious or the avoidant transitions this relationship or this way of relating over to their relationship with God. So we'll discuss that at the end of today's episode as well. So we'll discuss characteristics, some examples of this avoidant or dismissive attachment style, as we'll figure out what it that's another name for it and some common issues in relationships and, lastly, some practices to become more secure. So hopefully this is of a benefit to you as you listen and, as always, you know, I love hearing and receiving messages from you guys about how the podcast is helping you. I just read through a couple just today and a couple of days ago on how the podcast is helping you and encourages me a lot to continue to do this and just provide this information for you guys so you can learn how to relate to each other and to God better.
Speaker 1:So let's jump into the avoidant attachment style and you know, one of the things that I have to mention, I think, in these episodes, is that and I think I mentioned that in the previous episode is that your attachment style is not activated in every single relationship or every single interaction that you have. Right, meaning that your attachment style is activated when you start to get closer to people. Okay, so think about this, as your attachment style is activated when you're with family, right, or when you're with close friends. So those are the times where you really see your attachment style come out and, specifically, when there is a stressor, right. So there'll either be a stressor or a sense of security that can activate your attachment style. Okay, a lot of people falsely believe that because they are able to relate to a lot of people and be personal and likable and all that, that they have a secure attachment style. But no, you just may be really good with people in public spaces right, there are people who are able to do that.
Speaker 1:You could shut down your attachment style or the way that you relate for necessary moments, like if you got to give a public speech, or you got to go to a party, or you have to go to church, or you go here or there. When you go to all these places, you're interacting with people at a very typically a very superficial level. But your attachment style will start to become apparent as you get closer to people. And you get closer to people as you become more vulnerable or you spend more and more time with them. Okay, so think about the relationships right now that you have and think about the people that you mostly spend your time with, and think about some people who make you feel safe and think about some people who make you feel a little bit stressed out. Right, and in those moments is where you're going to see what attachment style comes up for you, right, whether it be anxious, where you start to kind of press into the person and really start to ask for information and get a little worried and concerned about whether or not they like you or so on. Or, as we'll discuss today, you pull away. You know that you don't want to get close, you want to keep them at a distance, don't want to be vulnerable, don't want to share anything deep, just kind of keep everything on the superficial level. It's in those relationships that you will see your attachment style activated.
Speaker 1:Okay, so here are some characteristics of the avoidant attachment style, and I've been kind of alluding to this. But they are uncomfortable with emotional intimacy and closeness. Okay, again, typically for avoidance. When they start to see people and meet people, you know they're typically pretty good, right. Avoidant attachment styles, right, are very independent, right, and there's a reason for that. Again, if we go back to early childhood, right, this is kind of the theme that we've been discussing here on attachment.
Speaker 1:Early childhood, this person probably did not get a lot of their needs met and it was for a consistent amount of time. So as they got older, they realized at some point that they had to find a way to meet those needs themselves. And when they see that they were efficient or were able to meet their own needs, then the belief became well, why do I need other people? I don't need other people, I can provide for myself. Right, I can sustain myself, I can get what I need and move on. I don't need to get close to people because what I've been doing so far has worked right.
Speaker 1:They're very high achieving, again, because they've had to figure things out right. So if I don't need someone else in my life to get the things that I need or that I want, then, yeah, you're going to pull away from relationships. You're not going to have a need to be emotionally intimate with someone else, to share your feelings or what you're thinking with someone else, right? You keep all those things to yourself. You don't want to be a burden to anyone else because, again, you learned in early childhood that being a burden meant you weren't going to get your needs met, right. So you had to find a way to get those needs met and that's why they become you know, avoidance typically become very successful and very high achieving because they press so much into themselves and they develop a lot of those skills that there really is.
Speaker 1:You know, at least at a superficial level. They don't really need anyone to achieve any type of success, right, but they do need a sense of security. They do need another person who they can share with. This is what they need, right, and the way in which they're filling that need is by achieving all of this success. So it's kind of like a temporary band-aid for them, right? So that's why they need to keep going to the next thing and the next thing and the next thing, because that is the only thing that's filling that gap of love or sense of accomplishment or sense of self, sense of meaning. That's where they're getting it right.
Speaker 1:So they're uncomfortable with emotional intimacy. Why do I need to share my feelings, right? I haven't done it up to this point, or I did it for a little bit when I was younger, when I was a teenager, and you know my friends ignored me and you know so. Then I learned that I don't need to share, or no one cares about how I feel. I just need to go out and do stuff. Right, and closeness to them could be.
Speaker 1:When people are starting to ask them questions, they kind of give these superficial answers and don't really give any depth to to that question and when they're answering that question, so you'll notice it, right, and that you'll slowly see them pull away from the conversation or they'll ask you a lot of questions in order to avoid those questions of themselves. Right, so they'll minimize any type of emotional expression. So they may be a little bit stoic or maybe they don't have a broad range of emotional expression. Right Again, because too much emotional expression indicates to them chaos. Right Again, because too much emotional expression indicates to them chaos, right, it's no control and they need to be in control. Right, and they've had to be in control of most things in their lives in order to achieve the success that they've had. Right, so they try to minimize how much emotion they actually experience so that other people don't see them as chaotic or as someone who's not stable. Right, they see themselves as stable.
Speaker 1:But you know, with time, as they enter relationships, that again, that's when you start seeing the impact of that avoidant attachment style, because in order to get close to people, you have to be vulnerable, you have to be real, you have to be genuine, you have to be authentic with what have to be genuine, you have to be authentic with what you're thinking and what you're feeling. Now. There's a big push in culture right now where you need to share everything and, honestly, I don't think that that's healthy or that that's the case with a lot of people. Right, you only need to share when you are in a safe, secure relationship. People that are trustworthy, people that have been there for you, people that have showed you throughout time that they are dependable. Right, you don't just share for the sake of sharing, for the anxious attachment style. They may think that they get into a relationship and they'll start sharing their heart. Right, they'll start sharing everything that's ever happened to them as a bid for emotional intimacy, for connection.
Speaker 1:Right, the avoidance don't see relationships that way. Right, they see that as if I share this with you, you're going to use it against me and you're not going to see me as strong anymore and I'm going to become weak and I'm not going to be able to achieve all the things that I want to achieve. Right, so they prefer independence and self-reliance. Okay, I don't need people is kind of their mantra, or I can do it myself. Right? So when we think about their childhood, all of this again makes a lot of sense as to why they're approaching relationships in the same way. Why should they depend on you, right? We almost need to give them a reason to depend on other people, right? So avoidance may really don't really make any close friends, right? It may seem friendly, but that's because of the other person's effort into the relationship, right? So the other person puts the effort into the relationship, so it's typically an anxious, maybe a secure you know who's trying to get to know an avoidant, but typically it's an anxious.
Speaker 1:It may be a disorganized attachment style who's trying to get to know the avoidant, but again, the avoidant keeps his or her distance from any type of closeness. They see, and have a preference for being independent, being self-reliant. Another key factor here is that they have difficulty trusting others, right, it's hard to trust people when all you've ever experienced is betrayal, is lies, is being used, right? All of these different things. And for the avoidant, they in some ways not create that setting for themselves, like those type of relationships. But they don't have the ability to create genuine trust and authentic relationships because they don't get close, they don't have emotional intimacy. So, the people that are getting close to them, they end up hurting them because there's no trust factor, right, there's nothing that would make the other person say you know, know, I don't want to hurt you. So the avoidant in some ways can create this type of relationship with other people. So it kind of becomes this confirmation bias where, see, people are always going to use you, people are always going to lie to you, people are always going to find a way to lose your trust because they keep having these types of experiences. So it makes their avoidant attachment style even stronger. They really have no reason to trust other people so I'll get to this a little bit later in the episode. But consistency of being there, of showing and modeling what vulnerability is, what security is, what strength is as well. So they really do need a secure attachment style. They need a secure person to help them come out of that and we'll discuss that in a little bit.
Speaker 1:But there is a difficulty trusting others. Another one is fear of losing autonomy, right, and that personal space. They don't want to have to depend or communicate with anyone else when they have things that they want to do, right. They feel most free when they're doing what they want and they don't have to check in with anyone. So obviously that's gonna have an impact on their relationships. Again, it can be friendship, it can be a romantic relationship, it can be relationship with their parents, with the church, any of those things. They just kind of do things on their own and thrive in that autonomy. Right. Again, if it's not broke, don't fix it. That's kind of how they see their autonomy and their personal space.
Speaker 1:And, again, because they have learned that people aren't trustworthy, they are reluctant to seek support or share vulnerabilities with other people. Right, they don't want to ask for hope because all their life, what they've seen as, when you ask someone for hope, you're a burden to them. I don't wanna be a burden to anyone, right. I just want to do things on my own. And if someone needs something from me, right, they kind of become the go-to person because they have what other people need and they give it at the expense of emotional intimacy and vulnerability, right. So that's why, for them, it seems like no, this is a great relationship because I'm giving to this person. I'm giving them what they need. Right, in their eyes, they see it as because I'm providing, you know, this other thing. That's not really my heart or that's not really me, but I'm providing this protection or this type of security or this need that you have. That is separate from me, right? So, again, that can be going out to fancy dinners, right, in a romantic relationship, providing groceries for one's parents or one's siblings, right. So all of these actions that they take, they see that as being close and being loving and being caring, but the other people are not receiving them like the person who they are. So it can become not confusing for the avoidant, but they can misconstrue those two things that the provision of something else other than them is closeness right. So they're reluctant to seek support or share vulnerabilities because that can make them look weak and because they see themselves as strong and as dependable and as competent and as being able to do and carry out whatever you know mission they have in their minds. They don't want to lose that right. They want to be the strong one. They want to be the strong, silent, independent person who's able to get things done. Okay. So those are the characteristics of the avoidant attachment style, right, and some examples of this. Again, it all ties into these characteristics that I mentioned.
Speaker 1:But you know, when you talk to and avoid attachments one of the things that you'll probably hear a lot from them is them downplaying the importance of relationships or the importance of emotional bonds. Right, yeah, but that's not really what makes a relationship. You know, a relationship is based off of tasks, right. It's things that you're able to do for each other, right? And you know, I don't really need anyone right now. I'm fine on my own, I can do these things. You know, I don't really need anyone Really, you know that is what they're wanting.
Speaker 1:They're wanting that deep, emotional, close relationship. They just don't know what it looks like, right? So the only way to cope with that, for the way that they see it, is to not make it a big deal. Right, I don't really need anyone. And again, if they do that enough and they have done that enough times it doesn't feel like anything, right. Us as their friends, we might see it and think to ourselves wow, you know, they really are succeeding on their own, but the reality is that they're really begging for that emotional intimacy that they just don't know what it looks like. Okay, so they'll downplay the importance of those relationships.
Speaker 1:They'll avoid discussions about feelings or personal experiences. So they're not the ones who are sharing their hearts, right? They're not the ones who are sharing what they feel about things. They're typically pretty assertive. Avoidance are because they're not afraid of hurting anyone's feelings, right, it doesn't matter, because I don't want to get close to you anyways. So if you like me or you don't like me, it doesn't matter to me, right. So they tend to be a little bit more assertive, but they'll also don't think of it only as that type of person.
Speaker 1:This person can also just avoid discussions about feelings, right. So people can be talking, can be the family discussing, you know, some events or some conflict that's been going on, and they'll kind of stay out of it, right. If it's in a relationship and the person is asking for them to share something about their lives and they kind of give like a little vague statement about a past trauma or something like that, and it'll be very superficial again, very surface level. It won't be deep, they won't talk a lot about emotions, it'll be very vague. You know, one thing with avoidance is that they'll have a very low or narrow emotional vocabulary, right. So very minimal emotional vocabulary, and that's one of the signs that you can look for. Right, that's one example in the avoidant attachment style.
Speaker 1:They'll often choose solitary activities over opportunities for connection, like a game night or spending time with other people, going to church, you know, whatever the case is, they would choose being by themselves over being with other people. Again, one of the things that I don't want us to mix up here is avoidant, with introverted right. An introverted person does want connection, but the avoidant person feels, or has the belief, that others can't be trusted and that I can do things myself. I don't really need other people. The person who's introverted just charges when they're on their own. So if they seek to go on a hike or seek to go to the beach or seek to just be home reading a book, whatever the case is, that person is recharging okay, and the avoidance it comes down to the belief that they have about themselves and about others, okay.
Speaker 1:I think I discussed this in last week's episode. I said that the secure person has a high view of self and high view of others. A better way to say that is a positive view of self and a positive view of others. So they feel good about themselves, they know that they're competent, they know that they can relate well to people, they usually have a pretty good upbringing right and they believe that most people are good. Not everyone's out to get them. Get them. They understand there's evil in the world, but that most people are trying to do their best For.
Speaker 1:The anxious attachment style is everyone else is good, everyone else is better than me and I need so much work. Oh my goodness, I can't believe how much work I need to do and I'm just the worst. They kind of have that belief about themselves, but when we get to the avoidant attachment style, they see everyone else as bad, like no one can be trusted. You shouldn't really put your trust in other people. Don't be vulnerable. They're going to use it against you. You know. Only depend on yourself, right? So it comes down to the belief that they have about themselves and about others. Other people aren't trustworthy. I need to depend on myself. Other people are going to hurt you. I know what I need, right? So they have this.
Speaker 1:It's a worldview and approach to relationships, to people and how they view people in general, right? So just an advisory there as to not confuse the introverted person within avoidant personality, avoidant attachment style. They'll maintain emotional distance, even in moments of distress. So if they're going through something, they'll want to be isolated. They don't want anyone to ask them about anything and, again, like I said, they'll be vague.
Speaker 1:This is different from someone who is grieving a loss or is grieving something that they're going through, right, or is experiencing a level of pain you know they'll need to be ready to share with other people, right? The common denominator here is what do they do in most occasions? Okay, in general, how do they respond? Right? So, let's say, this person who just is going through a breakup or just lost a family member or has you know something's going on with them, and they decide to pull away, right, in general, do they respond by pulling away and you think about it and you're like no, they don't, I'm just going to give them some time, right, and that person will come around and they'll start to share For the avoidant. You know they never share anything with anyone. So now they just become even more secluded, right? Not only that they become secluded, but they also don't show that emotional pain on the outside.
Speaker 1:Right, a lot of it is internal. They're still going to be productive, they're still going to be doing things that they want to do. They're still going to be deemed by others as successful, as strong, because, again, they're not wearing all those emotions on their face or it's not showing up in their performance, anything like that? Right, the avoidant seeks to still be seen as strong, like I am still able to depend on myself, communicating to everyone else, I don't really need you, right? And that is what's communicated through their behavior like I don't need other people. So, again, they continue to be successful and do things well, even in the midst of emotional distress.
Speaker 1:One last example here for dismissive attachment style is emphasizing self-sufficiency and minimizing the need for others. Right, I don't need from you, you don't need from me. Or if you do need something from me, I'll be able to provide it, and then you know we can go from there, right? So again, they don't want to be seen as weak.
Speaker 1:Okay, now let's discuss some of the common issues in relationships for the avoidantly attached individuals. So, some of the common issues in relationships for the avoidantly attached individuals. So some of the things that you're going to see come up for them in relationships is struggles with emotional intimacy and vulnerability. We talked about that. They're going to have a tendency to distance themselves when feeling overwhelmed or vulnerable. Okay, so this is very important. Okay, how do you know if you're in a relationship or you're someone who is avoidantly attached is you tend to distance yourself from others when you're overwhelmed or when you're being vulnerable, right, like there's this pool, like I don't want to share that, I don't want to have to say that, and there's this pooling away from other people, right, and sometimes we can sense that in the avoidant attachment style. Like we can tell when someone, when everyone's sharing something deep, you know it can be at a home group or it can be just you know, when friends are gathered together and someone's sharing, like you could tell they're not talking or they're not saying much. Or when they do, they realize what they're doing and they start pulling back. Right, it's very interesting to see. Right, so they tend to distance themselves when feeling overwhelmed or vulnerable.
Speaker 1:They have difficulty providing or accepting emotional support. That one's really, really important too, right. They don't know what to do in stressful situations for other people. You know their mentality is going to be kind of like suck it up. You know, keep pushing forward, don't let this get you down. You know you're stronger than this, let's do this. Right, that's going to be the attitude that they have towards a stressor or towards something that is causing the stress for someone else. Right, because that's the way that they do things themselves, right.
Speaker 1:So they look at the other person who needs that support and they say, well, why can't you do what I do? Right, I'm able to work this out. Why can't you work it out? So they don't know how to provide that emotional support for someone else. Or they may also see what they're doing by encouraging them by saying you know, keep pushing forward, forget about it, let it go. They may see that as providing emotional support and I know for those who are either securely attached or anxiously attached, they may see that and say, well, that doesn't make any sense. How can they just think that that's providing emotional support Again in their minds and that's what they believe right, because that's what's been working for them. So they're saying, if I'm doing this and it's working for me, I'm going to give this to you so that it can work for you. Right? That's pretty much how they see it. So providing that emotional support is difficult. But also accepting emotional support.
Speaker 1:Again, you don't want to coddle the avoidant, you don't want to say, hey, I'm here for you. They'll say, okay, thank you, especially if they like you and you're a good friend, or whatever the case is they know that you're going to say the right thing in regards to giving them emotional support when they're going through a difficult time. They know that already. But in their mind, what gets triggered is okay, how am I going to solve this? How am I going to work this out? What do I need to do here? So they're problem solving in their mind because, again, they believe that no one else is able to help them, right? So you just got to be patient with the avoidantly attached individual as they process that you know.
Speaker 1:Again, what they want to see is this consistent behavior, that your presence is there, and eventually they it starts to register in their minds that, wow, this person has been here throughout all of this time when I've been dealing with this myself. Why wouldn't I start sharing with them what's going on, right? And they'll test. They'll throw out little things. See how you respond to that. They'll throw out something else. See how you respond to that. But you don't want to try to save this person, right? Because again, for them, that means that they're weak, that means that they're not able to do it by themselves, right? It's going to take a long time for them to actually trust you. Again, trust is one of the things that they're going to struggle with. But you have to establish a sense of security for a long period of time before they can get to open up.
Speaker 1:And I want to make this point too, is that if you have someone who is avoidantly attached in your life, your goal is not to help them start to be more vulnerable and be more trusting. Okay, I think this is very important. So if you have a secure attachment style or anxiously attached, or even for those who are disorganized, again it's going to be very limited their ability to relate. But if you are securely attached or anxiously attached, your goal is not to change the avoidance attachment style. Your goal is just to be present with them and to do that over a long period of time. That's your goal. Just be a friend. That's it right. They will make the decision themselves when they feel that you have proven yourself in a sense.
Speaker 1:I know it's hard to hear because you're like you may have been trying for a long time and you don't see any change. Well, you're focusing on the wrong thing. You're focusing on I want to help them change and become more secure, when that shouldn't be the goal. The goal is for you to be present with them and let them get to that point themselves when they start to see man, when I've been going through stuff like this person's always been here, like this is very significant for me, and again they're going to start testing the waters and maybe share a little bit. Maybe you see a little bit of vulnerability at some point and again just stay there, listen, be present and hopefully, with time again they start to realize well, you know, maybe not everyone is bad. This person at least has shown me that they are trustworthy, right. And then the more examples they have of that in their life, the better it is for them, okay. So they also fear losing independence, leading to maintaining emotional walls, right. So I think I've kind of referenced that earlier as one of the examples in the dismissive or avoidant attachment style.
Speaker 1:And, lastly, challenges in expressing needs or addressing relationship issues. They don't see their needs as something that needs to be met by someone else, right. They see their needs as something that they need to carry out themselves. That's what they want, right. So if they want a job, they see that as a need. They go out and find a way to get that job. They want a relationship. They're going to pursue a relationship and find a way to get the relationship in the way that they want right, and if it's not what they want, then they'll go ahead and just let it be right.
Speaker 1:But also, even when they're in a relationship, they don't want to address the issues right. They may not talk about, want to talk about emotions because they don't have language for it, so they'll avoid those discussions. Or they may feel like there's no problem at all because if we're not addressing things, we're just kind of living life the way I've always lived it, where I'm not addressing issues, I'm just doing what needs to be done and I'm seeing great success from it, as opposed to the anxiously attached individual who's going to see problems with that and they're going to want to address issues. They may want to address too many issues at once, which can be overwhelming for the avoidant attachment style. So the avoidant attachment style faces this challenge of expressing their needs or addressing issues in the relationship Common, common issues in relationships. Now what can they do to develop a secure attachment style?
Speaker 1:So if you're listening right now, hopefully this is all making sense and you know, you see it in yourself where you notice that you pull away from people who are trying to get close to you. You notice that you don't like to address problems or issues in relationships. You notice that you are capable and competent and have done things on your own for a very long time. And why would you need someone else? Right? But the reality is that God created us for relationships with him and then with each other, right? If we go back to the Garden of Eden, the first relationship that Adam had was his relationship with God. Then God saw that man was alone and that it was not good, and he created Eve. So then he made Eve for Adam. So now he made them a relationship for them. Okay, so then he made Eve for Adam. So now he made them a relationship for them. Okay, so God, even in his very being as the Trinity, as God, the father, god, the son, god, the Holy Spirit is a relationship, is a community, right? So we, because we bear the image of God, we need relationships, right?
Speaker 1:So if you, as an avoidant, are listening to this episode, right, we don't want to fall into the line of thinking that you don't need relationships, but we can start breaking through that barrier little by little, just trying to find one person. Okay, try to think of one person who has shown consistent present behavior in your life, and it could be anyone. It could be a parent, it could be a sibling, it could be a best friend, it could be a romantic partner Anyone, right? Someone from church, a leader, a mentor, right? Someone that has shown consistent behaviors in being there for you, who's always there, you know when things are wrong even, and they're just, they're willing to listen, even if you're not willing to share, right? Try to find that person I guarantee you have at least one and then just slowly start testing the waters with that person. You're going to feel uncomfortable.
Speaker 1:One of the practices to become more securely attached that you're going to want to do is an emotional regulation technique, which is to manage that fear or that anxiety in sharing with other people effectively, right? So when you think about sharing with someone, you got to picture it. Okay, me sharing something vulnerable with someone else. Who do I choose? And again, just make sure that that person has been consistently present in your life and test out the waters with that person. Been consistently present in your life and test out the waters with that person, okay, manage the anxiety or the fear that you have of becoming weak or being seen as weak when you share your emotions. You really have to change your view of yourself, right that being vulnerable or sharing your emotions does not equate to being weak? Okay, does not equate to being weak, okay. Being open and honest with someone else about a weakness is not something that they're going to use against you. Again, if you choose the right person okay, someone who's been consistently present in your life Then you want to broaden your emotional language.
Speaker 1:Right, for those who are avoidantly attached, they usually don't have a broad range of emotional expression. Maybe the only ones that they have may be anger. Okay, it can be anger, it may be. I'm trying to think of what other feelings an avoidant may experience when they're getting close to people. They do experience some levels of anxiety because they don't want to share anything deep. They want to draw that line very close to themselves so that they don't share too much that the emotion can be used against them. So they're not going to have a lot of language. So one of the things that I encourage you to do is to kind of gather or gather. Download the PDF file of the emotions wheel and see how many emotions you come up for anger, for fear, for surprise, for happiness, for joy, right? See how many positive emotions you can describe, and I think that's going to be a good start for you, right? How many positive emotions can you describe? Happiness, joy, glee, playful, hopeful, all of these different things that can be attributed to positive emotions. So use that, okay.
Speaker 1:Addressing past wounds that have impacted your attachment style. So, for those who are avoidantly attached right, the past wound is no one's ever been there for me. My needs were never met, so I had to learn how to meet my own needs, right, so we got to go back to childhood. Go back, obviously, you do this in counseling. I wouldn't recommend doing that with a friend. You know a hum, so you can test the waters out with that single person that you have in your mind, the one that you deem as trustworthy, and try sharing with them, and that can help a little bit.
Speaker 1:But, yes, addressing past wounds that have impacted your attachment style. And, you know, secure base exploration, which is what I would call here, which is revisiting past experiences to reframe beliefs about relationships and closeness. Again, your language around relationships, your understanding of relationships, would need to change. Okay, so you got to go back to those past experiences and instead of saying, you know, people aren't trustworthy or all people aren't trustworthy because maybe your parents weren't trustworthy trustworthy or they weren't able to meet your needs, maybe there was never enough money or enough food or enough clothes, enough of you know emotional presence themselves, right, them being there for you because they were always working, like all of those things communicated something to you at that time. But we could reframe those beliefs, right? You go back and say you know what my parents did, the best that they could. Back and say you know what my parents did the best that they could. And even though they did the best that they could, that doesn't mean that people don't want to be close to me, right? Or that doesn't mean that everyone else is unable to meet my needs, right? Something as simple as that, reframing that experience. Okay, so those are some practices that you can do.
Speaker 1:Now, what does this all have to do with God attachment? Well, now we start to see that these relationships have developed so strongly that now, when we think about our relationship with God, what are some of the things that you're going to start to think about your relationship with God? So, typically, the avoidant is going to be very logical in his faith. Right, they're going to know things about God. They're going to know how to explain God, have a really good, sound theology, but they don't have any actual relationship with God. Why? Because they're unable to be vulnerable with God. They would frame it this way God knows what I'm going through and he'll meet that need at some point, right?
Speaker 1:No, and again, they won't even share this in their prayer. They may not even pray. You know, I'm not saying all avoidance, don't pray. What I'm saying is that prayer is an emotional conversation that we have with God about where we are in our lives. Right, and for an avoidant, that may be difficult. For them, you know where they share what they're experiencing and they may see God as seeing them as whiny. Right, they say why am I going to share this with God? Like God already knows what I'm going through, he probably just sees me as some whiny baby if I start sharing these things. Right Again, and that is reflective of how they view themselves or how they view other people.
Speaker 1:Right, if someone is sharing something that they're going through and it's emotionally draining or has been painful, they might say well, you know, that's life. That's how life is, you know. Tough it up and get back to it, right? So they then transfer that communication style over to God and think that God views them in the same way. So if I become vulnerable with God, the avoidant thinks if I become vulnerable with God, he's probably just going to think I'm a big baby, you know. He's going to tell me, like you know, I should be strong and courageous and move forward and, you know, take care of business, right? So even with the use of scripture, they'll use it to kind of twist the idea of not being vulnerable with God, right? So that's one aspect of it. They also may just minimize their pain, right? You know there's other people. Here's a classic one that an avoider may use.
Speaker 1:People in the Bible suffered much more than what I've suffered. Why am I whining about this? Right, and that makes a lot of sense for them. Why am I whining about this? God's probably looking at those martyrs, people who lost their lives, at the disciples who gave their lives for Jesus and they died horrible deaths. And here I am whining about someone who wasn't able to meet my needs, and it was just my mom, or it was just my dad, or it was just this friend or this girl that broke up with me or this guy that broke up with me, like all these things that we start to think about and we minimize those things. Right, and they'll see it as well. You know, other people have suffered greater things than I have. I don't have nothing to complain about, right. So there's no need in their eyes to come to God with any concerns or issues or problems or vulnerabilities, because God knows and other people have suffered more. So that is kind of the language that the avoidantly attached individual is using to describe their relationship with God.
Speaker 1:They will distance themselves when they're going through pain. They won't draw relationship with God. Okay, they will distance themselves when they're going through pain. They won't draw close to God. God doesn't want to see me right now. You know I'm not in a good spot, so why even come closer to God? I don't want to, I don't need to, or he probably doesn't want me to right the belief that others cannot be trusted If I share this with God. What if I share this with God and he brings some sort of trial on my life? I don't want that. So I'd rather keep this to myself, right?
Speaker 1:Or again, like going back to the idea of being able to express their needs or addressing issues. Again, god knows what I need and he'll provide it when the time comes. So they'll go through this time of suffering and they'll explain it away, as God knows what I need and maybe I don't deserve it right now. So I got to earn it right, I got to do good. And they start performing and they start, you know, continuing to do good and because they see all of the success that they're having, they see that as God blessing them right. So there's no need for me to be expressing my needs to God, because I'm already providing it for myself and the Lord has been good. And when the Lord is not good quote unquote they see it as their failure. They say, well, I messed up, I must have done something wrong, so God's probably punishing me with this.
Speaker 1:So anything that moves them away from becoming closer and more emotionally expressive and intimate with God, they will avoid. So it's a lot. It's a lot that the avoidantly attached individual will experience. If this is you, you know. Hopefully this has been helpful and that you know shed some light on how you can start to move into a more secure relationship with other people and relationship with God For those who are anxiously attached or securely attached and you have an avoidant, an avoiding attached person in your life. Again, be present, be patient and be there for the long haul right. Be there for them. Be that person that god can use in their lives to show them that their needs matter and that they do have value in your life. I hope this was of an encouragement to you guys. Next time I'm going to talk about the disorganized attachment style and then I'll wrap it up with the final episode on how this can be related to our relationship with God and how we can grow in our relationship with Christ. Thanks, guys, I will see you next time.