Fostering Security in Christ in the Face of Fearful and Avoidant Tendencies

As we celebrate the 75th episode of the God Attachment Healing Podcast, I'm thrilled to share a poignant discussion on how we forge our Christian bonds. Have you ever considered the profound ways in which your early life, cultural background, and personal experiences shape not only your interactions with others but your very connection with God? This episode is a heartfelt journey into the world of attachment styles—secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized—and their powerful influence on our relationship with the divine.

Embark on an introspective adventure with me as we tackle ten compelling questions from Christians seeking to understand their God attachment. We unravel the threads of our upbringing and examine the role of the church in shaping our faith. By exploring the narratives of biblical figures like Martha, Mary, and Peter, we uncover parallels to our own spiritual attachments and learn how to navigate towards a more secure bond with God. Expect a blend of deep personal insights, transformative stories of prayer and community, and the encouraging potential of scripture to fortify our connection with the divine.

This episode isn't just another milestone; it's a beacon of hope for those yearning to deepen their trust in Christ, especially if you find yourself grappling with fearful or avoidant tendencies. We discuss the possibility of healing from past wounds and building a secure attachment to God despite life’s adversities. Join me in discovering how supportive relationships and an understanding of God's unwavering love can lead us to a place of profound spiritual security. This is not just a conversation, but a path to discovering the steadfast presence of God in our lives.

Chapters

• 0:05 Exploring Attachment Styles and God Relationship
• 6:46 Attachment Styles and Relationship With God
• 22:52 Attachment Styles and Relationship With God
• 32:04 Developing a Secure Attachment to God

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:05

Well, right, everyone, welcome to the God Attachment Healing Podcast. This is episode 75. On the posting site which I use, which is Mussprout, it has these little markers that shows okay, hit this milestone, hit this milestone, hit this next milestone. So I am now at 75 episodes, which is one of the big milestones. So that's why I'm pretty excited about today's topic and also excited about today's episode, because it's kind of one of those markers where you realize and I was thinking about this as I was thinking about this topic is man, like 75 episodes of just thinking about content and talking about different things? Now, if this is your first time listening, you will probably recognize that at the very first part of the podcast it was called Created to Connect. I don't think it shows that anymore, but if you look at the first 24, I think 24 episodes, it was called Created to Connect.

Speaker 1: 1:08

And then I started thinking about okay, I'm going to work on my doctoral work and I need to pick a topic, what should I pick? And one of the things that started coming up a lot within Christian circles was this aspect of shame. So I wanted to see how does religion, how does Christianity, how does faith, how does all these things? How do all these things influence how one experiences shame? So then I started the Genesis of Shame and that went on for a couple of seasons and just recently maybe last year, a year and a half ago or so I changed it to God Attachment Healing and that's what you're tuning into today. So when I was thinking about the process to get to where this podcast is today, it's again wild to think that it was three different things. I mean, today it's God Attachment Healing. Used to be Created to Connect, used to be Genesis of Shame and again today's God Attachment Healing. So I've been thinking a lot about the journey here. I don't think I was using Instagram or Facebook for the podcast at the beginning. I think I waited a couple of episodes and then started using that, but so far it's been a really good shift.

Speaker 1: 2:21

It seems like this is an aspect that wasn't really touched on a lot of how our attachment style affects our relationship with God and with others, especially within the church. So that's kind of where this desire to do this podcast started and I wanted to touch on trauma, shame and attachment. So all of those three areas are kind of where I usually focus most of my content on and I'm thinking about not changing the style of the podcast, but I wanted to make it. I mean, I looked through research, I prepared for that, I prepared for the questions that I would ask myself if I want to know more about God Attachment. I really want to do a heavier biblical integration because I appreciate that there are correlations, there are connections between our attachment style and how we relate to God.

Speaker 1: 3:16

So today's topic is going to focus on questions that people Christians from the ages of 22 to 38 are asking about their relationship with God, and I try to zone in on do they have questions about attachment styles? And there is. So I'm going to touch. I have 10 different questions here. I'm going to try to address them all in this episode, but if not, I might break this down into two episodes. I'm not fully sure yet. We'll see how it goes, but I'm excited to discuss this topic with you and again, if this is your first time listening, I hope that you enjoy and that you get some insight from this episode on what this podcast is all about. And I am leaning towards having a more biblically integrative approach as I move forward. And I'm still going to talk about attachments. So I'm going to talk about shame and the effects of trauma, but I think this will be a good, a good shift. So again, thank you for being here, thanks for downloading the podcast, thanks for following. I really appreciate it.

Speaker 1: 4:19

And let's go ahead and jump into these questions. So what are people asking in regards to attachment, in regards to their relationship with God? So I came up with these questions and I wanted to elaborate on how these impact your relationship with God. One of the factors that is not obvious to anyone that you meet in church is how you relate to God and how you relate to each other. Like what influences that? And that's what I refer to, or what the research refers to, as an attachment style. Now, I think most people now understand kind of what their attachment style is. So there's kind of four quadrants, right. There's the secure. That's where everyone wants to be. There's the anxious, the one who's always questioning and is kind of nervous and wants to people please and wants to God please, like all of these different things within the church. I got to do things right because if not, I won't be accepted.

Speaker 1: 5:14

And then you have the avoidant. The avoidant who is distrusting of people and doesn't, doesn't really know if they can trust God's word, because he presents this in scripture, but I don't know if I really believe that because I've never known what that actually looks like, right? So that's the avoidant. And then you have the anxious, avoidant or disorganized who is doesn't know which way to go. Like sometimes they feel really anxious in their relationship with God. Other times they feel like they can't trust him and they're going back and forth and back and forth. I can do things on my own, but, lord, I really need you right now and kind of this again, this relationship with God. That seems confusing for them because of their past, whatever that may entail.

Speaker 1: 5:55

So when I think about God, attachment, healing, really what we're looking at is knowing how you relate to God and what's caused it to become anxious, what caused it to become avoidant, what caused it to become disorganized, right? So a lot of that stems from our family upbringing, a lot of it stems from culture, a lot of it stems from your own individual experiences and so on, right? So hopefully, from answering these questions, I hope that these questions kind of connect with you, or maybe that a question that you may have had, and that it provides some clarity on how attachment styles can affect your everyday life, in your relationship with God. So the first question is how does having a secure attachment style affect our relationship with God? Okay, so a secure attachment style.

Speaker 1: 6:46

I usually use a chart, but the best way to explain it is a person who is secure has a high view of self and a high view of others. Now, when we say high view of self or others, we're not saying that they are arrogant, that they are narcissistic. We're not saying that. We're saying that this person overall has a positive view of themselves. They don't look down on themselves. They feel pretty certain with what they believe. They have direction, they have goals, they have purpose. They feel good about that, about themselves and with others. Because they've had so many interactions that have been positive, they're able to see people in general as good. I mean good in the sense that most people want to do good to them, right, because that's what they've received.

Speaker 1: 7:36

So if you grow up in a family that is very loving and caring and nurturing, that makes sense to you, because that's what you've experienced. And then if you go to a church and they're also loving and caring and nurturing, then again that makes a lot of sense to you If you go to a school that has good teachers and you have good friends and there's good parents there. All of those things provide the secure attachment style. So when you relate to people, you have this expectation of you. Know what? If I have a need, I can trust and believe that other people are able to meet those needs. So if God says that, bring all your needs to me, bring all your worries to me and cast your anxieties on him, right when he says that to you, it makes perfect sense because whenever you need it, something you've given it over to your parents or to friends or to other people and it's been met. That need has been met. So you have a history of having needs met right.

Speaker 1: 8:36

So whenever it comes to your relationship with God, having a secure attachment means that your upbringing, your culture, your background, all of those things have influenced that belief. When it comes to your relationship with God, it's easier to believe what God's word says. For others who have not had the same experience, it may be a little bit more difficult. Now I want to make something clear, okay, and this is why I kind of want to move into this biblically integrative piece. A person who is secure doesn't need for the Bible to be false in order for them to then question God's character. Okay, and here's what I mean by that Is that the Bible is true and inerrant and infallible, no matter what our experience or what our beliefs are. Okay, the Bible is true, it is inerrant, it is God's word to us. Okay, so that's clear.

Speaker 1: 9:38

Now, our personal experiences can affect how we interpret Scripture, and that is why, whenever we are growing in our relationship with God and growing in our stronger, in our attachment to Him, it's constantly reminding ourselves and finding our minds tuning into what God's word is actually saying and allowing for God to speak to us. And I always talk about the big three through prayer, through community and what's pouring through His word. Right, we read His direct words to us as His people, as His sons and daughters, to draw closer to Him. Okay, so that is what sets the stage for how we interact with God Prayer, community, scripture. So when we have a secure attachment, all of these concepts, all of these principles they make sense to us because we've developed a secure attachment with other people. So if I can see this in my daily life, in my interactions with people, then it makes that transition easier for me to see it in my relationship with God.

Speaker 1: 10:43

This aspect of having security allows us to approach God with openness and vulnerability, knowing that he's going to provide us with love and care because he is a Father to us, and that is what fathers do. It says in Psalm 91, verses 14 and 15, because he loves me, says the Lord, I will rescue Him, I will protect Him, for he acknowledges my name. He will call on me and I will answer Him. I will be with Him in trouble, I will deliver Him and honor Him. So this is from Psalm 91. This is what the Psalmist says about God's character and who he is. So you constantly want to see God. You constantly want to pursue Him through His word, through prayer, through community. You want to find ways to connect with Him and these are the ways in which we say to do it. The whole New Testament is about emphasizing sharing the gospel with others, being in community with each other, not neglecting to meet with one another, and this dependence on God through prayer. That was just question one, so you can see that there is a lot to say about these different styles. Hopefully I can keep these a little bit. The next one's a little bit shorter, but I wanted to say all of that in the first one so that we can set the stage.

Speaker 1: 12:03

This podcast is for Christians who want to understand their attachment and how that's affecting their relationship with God. So if you have a secure attachment, then this is how it can benefit and help your relationship with God. And, by the way, your attachment style does change through time. It does change with time as you have more and more positive interactions with people, then you're going to have more and more positive associations in your relationship with God, right, especially with people in the church. Most of the time, from what I've been able to see and hear from others, is that they've been hurt by the church in some way, shape or form and that made them pull away from God, from the church and so on. And it's sad, it's a sad reality that happens. I accept and understand that it happens.

Speaker 1: 12:50

But for a person who has a secure attachment style, whenever they enter that, any type of suffering, they push closer into their relationship with God. Because, remember, what triggers your attachment style is a stressor, is a tribulation, is some form of pain or suffering that triggers the attachment style of fear, right. So whenever there's fear, whenever there's pain, whenever there's suffering, your attachment style is going to turn on. And that attachment style is going to either seek and move towards God it's going to move away from God, right, so that's the avoidant move away from God, kind of be distrusting or it's going to check in and back and forth and want to people please and have that same role with God, right? Or just this constant back and forth. God, I trust you, but I don't really trust you. God, yeah, I really do love you, but no, actually I hate you.

Speaker 1: 13:45

Now, because of what you've allowed to happen in my life, a securely attached person is going to press in to their relationship with God. They're going to find different ways to connect with Him and find any way that they can to connect with Him, and I regave you the big three in regards to that, alright. So question number two can a person with an anxious attachment style still have a deep connection with God? So I would say that, for the most part, when we talk about the anxious attachment style, I think most people struggle with their relationship with God. In the anxious, they're more anxiously attached to God. Okay, so a person with an anxious attachment style may require some extra effort and intentional practicing of cultivating a secure attachment to Him.

Speaker 1: 14:36

So, understanding the anxious attachment style and if you look back at through my IG page, you'll find a lot of different videos about how the anxious attachment style relates to God. Like God, are you happy with me? Do you accept me? Do you want to be with me? Are you disappointed in me? Like there's these questions of performance. Many of them are performance oriented, like am I doing well, am I doing good? What else can I do to please you? And if I don't, then I'm sorry about that. What can I do? So there's this kind of humility to it in a sense, but it's driven by fear.

Speaker 1: 15:21

So the anxious, the attached person, relates to God in a sense of fear, and not fear as we like to reference. Like fear, god respect God for who he is as God, the Creator, god, the Father, god, our Savior. We're not talking about that type of fear. It's the fear of abandonment. The fear of abandonment is what drives the anxious attachment style to press into God, so much so that they never meet their own expectations of how they should relate to God. That is the anxious attachment style. They never measure up, they always feel like there's more to do, right, so it becomes very performance oriented. I need to do more. I need to do more. I need to be good enough to be able to be close to God, and if I'm not good enough, then God probably pushes me away.

Speaker 1: 16:12

Okay, so can an anxious attachment style have a deep connection with God? Yes, but there's a lot of intentional practices, or yes, and there's a lot of intentional practicing certain things to draw closer to Him. Now, this doesn't mean do more to be accepted more or to be loved more. This basically means to start to challenge the fear of rejection and the fear of abandonment. Will God actually reject you? Will God abandon you? Right? And you may look at your relationship. Well, everyone else has done so. Everyone else has rejected me, everyone else has abandoned me, right, and that drives our projection of those feelings to God. So, as we continually read scripture, as we continue to pray to God, as we continually interact with each other, with other believers that's in our circles and we start to develop a more secure attachment, right, that's what we need. Those are the things that we need to do in order to develop a secure attachment to God Praying, meditating on God's promises Matthew 6, 26, 27.

Speaker 1: 17:26

Individuals with an anxious attachment style can learn to trust in God's love and faithfulness. So when those fears of rejection or fears of abandonment start to creep in, they can start to trust in God's love and faithfulness. So, repeating and meditating on what is God's love and faithfulness to that person Right, anxious attachment style in order to counter the style that you have. If you're anxious, avoid it or disorganize. In order to counter that style, you need to know what that style needs. And for the anxious attachment style, they need constant reassurance, they need presence, they need acceptance, they need non-judgmental, because they're already harsh critics of themselves, right? So if they can experience that within a church setting, then that transition to God does love me, god does accept me, god does want to be with me and he doesn't push me away. It becomes easier to understand that principle. Okay, they need that consistent love, support and presence in their lives, a lot of evidence to counter their fears of rejection and abandonment. They need a lot of positive interactions, positive evidence to counter their fears of rejection and abandonment.

Speaker 1: 18:48

Question number three how does understanding our attachment style help us understand our relationship with God? Okay, so I've kind of touched on that already. So our attachments can provide insight into how we approach and relate to God. For example, a person with a secure attachment style may easily trust God and find comfort in his presence, while a person with an avoidant attachment style may struggle with feeling distant from God and relying on their own self-sufficiency right? So if you can understand kind of what area you need to work on, so in this case, as I said, someone who has an avoidant attachment style they often depend on their self-sufficiency, which means that when they were growing up, they didn't have people who were able to meet their needs and eventually they had to find ways to meet their own needs.

Speaker 1: 19:38

And because they developed a history of meeting their own needs, they found reason or no reason to trust others with meeting their needs, right? So this person the avoidant attachment looks at people has a low view of them in that you can't meet my needs, has a high view of self I'm able to meet my needs and I've done it for years and years and years so I don't really need you to meet my needs. I'm able to do that. So it doesn't allow there to be closeness and intimacy and trust and safety in that relationship. So, be it romantic or friendship, whatever the case is, the avoidant attachment style does not seek that closeness because it doesn't trust it, because he or she doesn't trust it, right?

Speaker 1: 20:30

So if you understand how you relate to people, if you have an avoidant attachment, then you start to move that towards your relationship with God and you realize that the very thing that God says that we can do to be self-sufficient, that we can do things for our own, that we can meet our own salvation by doing good works, right, is the thing that we start to do. And it's the thing that Jesus says you can't do, you can never be good enough to make it to heaven. It's only through my son, jesus Christ, that you're able to enter into heaven to be with me. It's only through him, right? So the avoidant attachment style doesn't like that, because it removes the power away from them. It removes the ability for me to self-provide, away from myself to heaven, right? So a lot of people in modern culture have this idea of no, I'm gonna get there, but I'll do it my way by being a good person, right? I don't need God to get to heaven, right? I don't, or maybe I want nothing to do with that God? Right, again, the avoidant has to put up walls to avoid closeness, right? Because closeness means vulnerability. Closeness means a full knowing of who you are, and the avoidant doesn't like that, right? If you're feeling lonely and you've been asking for a spouse and you still don't have one, you might say, well, god, I've been asking for a spouse and I've been feeling lonely and I've been feeling all these different things and you still haven't provided someone, then you must not be trustworthy. That is, an avoidantly attached person who finds reasons for why God is not trustworthy, therefore reinforcing the belief that I need to depend on myself. Ok, so understanding your attachment style is definitely something that needs to be understood to know how to counter that style and how to draw closer to God. And next question are there any biblical examples of different attachment styles and their impact on a person's relationship with God? So I really like this question. So there are biblical examples of different attachment styles and their influence in people's relationship with God.

Speaker 1: 22:52

And Luke 10, 30 to 42, martha displays an anxious attachment style. How so Right, she becomes worried and overwhelmed with serving and hosting Jesus. Isn't this such a great example of an anxiously avoidant? I mean an anxiously attached individual, someone who is looking to please the other person. Now you might say and I think this is, it's going to depend on perspective here, right? So we could say that in this particular case, martha was worried and overwhelmed. And overwhelmed for wanting to serve and host Jesus. Well, like, we could say that that's a good thing, that she wanted to be a good host, right. But the focus here was on she was overwhelmed and worried, right. What was she worried about?

Speaker 1: 23:44

Now, we don't have that context, but typically, you know, as we, as we connect with the, with the passage, and we think about are there ways in which I try to overdo it for Jesus? Right, and I'm not talking about going all in being faithful, you know, giving your heart to the Lord and really serving Him in every capacity that you can. Well, what I'm saying is that that that doesn't determine or change God's love or character or care towards you, what you do for Him. It doesn't make it greater. He loves you because he created you and he made you for Himself, right, he made all of us for Himself to be in communion with Him.

Speaker 1: 24:33

So here it's kind of alluding to this aspect of OK, was she doing this because she wanted to present herself. Well, and you know it's Jesus. He's coming to our house and we got to make sure everything is ready, everything set. So she was being driven in her attachment style from a place of fear. What happened if it was just the way that it is? What if the house was a mess? You know, we know that when we have people over, we're worried about how the house looks, and we wanted to look well, at least I feel that way, and even though I know that my friends aren't going to reject me or see me differently if the house is a little bit messy, right, so we're going to be having three boys like it's. Like it's going to happen, it's going to be messy, right? So that's kind of the question here. Is that, was that her attitude? Right?

Speaker 1: 25:26

Then it says, while her sister, mary, displays a secure, attachment style as she sits at Jesus' feet and listens to Him, right? So it's this idea of just being present, right? We talked about a secure, newly attached person is someone who is present, someone who is constant and consistent in their presence, right? So here she is, close to Jesus, listening to Him and sitting at His feet, taking in everything that he's sharing. She's being present, martha is not Right.

Speaker 1: 25:58

So, essentially, the anxious, the attached individual, is so busy thinking about all of these different things, all of these variables out here, so much so that they forget to be present with the person that they're wanting to be close to. Ain't that interesting? Right? They're so busy and you know, that's why part of being or having an anxious attachment style is that you typically they're overthinkers. They overthink every single situation and may make it bigger than what it actually is, and that may have been the case here. Right, oh, I got it. If everything's not ready, then you know I'm not a good host, or whatever the case is. But you can see these very two different attachment styles. And then we have another example. We have another example Now. This is an example that Shows a little bit, a little mix of both.

Speaker 1: 26:59

Right, peter, as we know, is very assertive. He was very vocal, he kind of acted at times without thinking, but he was also one of the Brave ones who would take steps that the other disciples didn't take, and he was one of the three that Jesus would take into these more intimate settings. So it's interesting seeing this aspect of Peter, because there are times where he acts, avoid in like self-sufficient, like I can do this, I got this right. We have him, you know, classically, when he walks off the boat, he's trusting Jesus, but then the waves start to grow and they get bigger and he starts to not trust Jesus and then he starts to sink. Jesus pulls them up, pulls them up and he says, oh ye, of little faith, right, so it's interesting thinking about Peter, because he seems to display a little bit of both, right, but I think these are some good examples that we can think about and see, yeah, okay, that that makes sense. And I'm hoping that's what I'm doing them connecting these pieces for you so that you can see, okay, yeah, that's anxious, yeah, that's avoid, and here's the anxious, avoid it and you're able to see how this actually plays out. Remember, there were people too they were regular people who wanted to know more about Jesus.

Speaker 1: 28:17

Okay, how can we improve our Attachment to God if we have a fearful or avoidant attachment style? Okay, again, this this just requires intentional effort and a willingness to change. But one way is to work. Improving is by practicing trust and reliance on him. Right, this is what faith is. Faith is practicing trust and reliance on God. That's what it is right Practicing trust and reliance on God, because I know who he is, I know his character. Here's how he reveals himself in scripture multiple times, hundreds of times, thousands of times, and I still Question whether or not he's reliable Right now.

Speaker 1: 29:03

What we don't like and here's something that I think speaks to us as we talk about this topic we don't like God's timeline. Like, we know that he's reliable, but personally, when I think about it, I know he's reliable, I know that he's trustworthy, but I don't like the timeline. I Don't like waiting to see when he's trustworthy and safe and secure and dependable, right, I don't and I'm assuming that you guys don't like that either to wait Because we know that he is and as we're going through a stage of suffering and pain and hardship, we want for God to show himself Reliable there in that moment. And the reality is that he is, but not in the way that we want or not. When we want. Right, god is there and he is, is Comforting us in different ways. Right, if you're looking for his comfort, you will find it. If you're looking for his lack of presence, you'll find that too. All right, and again, that that could speak to your attachment style, whatever that that may be, but one of the things that you'll start to realize is that that God has been there throughout those difficult times. He is waiting for you to turn to him during those difficult times. So we don't like God's timeline, but he is there. He is there. We just don't like when, when we actually get that feeling or that recognition or that Confirmation that he is there.

Speaker 1: 30:44

Next question how does our early attachment to our earthly parents or primary caregivers Influence our attachment to God? I mean, this is basically what the whole Podcast is about. Right, our attachment to our parents can greatly influence our attachment to God, and what happens, or what studies have shown, is that individuals with the secure and trusting relationship with their parents are more likely to have a Secure and trusting relationship with God. We know that, right, we have a model and I think, well, we know that's why God has set up the family unit the way that he has. There's a father, there's a mother, both displaying aspects of him in a very unique way within that oneness of the marriage to their children, and that Revelation is then seen and received and accepted by the children and it makes sense to them because that's how God created it. So if he creates the family unit and that family unit is safe, secure and trusting, then it would make sense that when they talk to me about this God that they believe in, in Jesus, that I can then make that connection to here's how my parents treat me and they're talking about how Jesus treats them. Oh, that's someone I want to know, that's someone who I can also trust. Right? That connection is clear, heavy evidence on how that Influences our relationship with God.

Speaker 1: 32:04

But those who have experienced neglect, abuse or lack of consistency in their relationship with their parents may Struggle developing a secure attachment style to God. Okay, so think about that. Neglect, abuse or lack of consistency, those are the big three in in People's relationship, the with their parents. When they develop either an anxious or an avoidant or disorganized attachment style against, severity makes a big difference, the length of time makes a big difference and In how they start to perceive themselves and how they perceive others, right.

Speaker 1: 32:35

So there's this aspect again high view of self, high view of others, or high view and high view of God. That's for the secure right for the anxious. Low view of self, high view of others. That's why it leads to the people placing for the avoidant, high view of self, low view of others right, I can't depend on anyone. I've done everything on my own, so therefore I'm going to just trust and believe in myself. And then there's the anxious avoidant who has a low view of self and also a low view of others. My meets, my needs, have never been met, where they've been met Inconsistently. So I don't know who to trust. I don't know what I actually think and I want to be close to people, but I can't, because maybe I'm not likable, maybe they don't want me around, maybe I'm too flawed, I'm too broken right To be in a relationship. But I still really want to be in a relationship, I still really want to get close to God, but I don't know. He hasn't really proven himself to me, like all of these different thoughts that people have About their relationship with God because of how they grew up in their homes. So definitely a heavy influence from our relationship with our parents.

Speaker 1: 33:42

Next question is it possible to have a secure attachment to God Even if we have experienced a difficult childhood or trauma? This is a really good question, because this is the work that I do. I work with clients who have trauma not all of them. But I have a good load of Children who have experienced trauma, even in Christian homes, and that is sad. It's difficult because I know that their view of God in the present was affected by how they related to their parents or how their parents related to them. So is it possible yes, it's possible for them to have a secure attachment to God, but it's important that they understand those early attachment experiences do influence their relationship with God and their attachment to him is based on his love, faithfulness and grace Right. So there's this new transition from my needs were not met, I was abused, I was mistreated, I was neglected and my parents were inconsistent in meeting my needs. And now I believe the same thing about God.

Speaker 1: 34:47

Now there's this theory. There's two theories actually. One is the correspondence theory, which is what I was kind of relating to in the first example is that the way that our parents treat us during our childhood is how we then start to perceive God in our adulthood. So if our parents were loving, safe, secure, nurturing right, we can make that transition into our relationship with God and see him as loving, safe, nurturing and so on. If our parents were neglectful, inconsistent and cruel, then we start to see God in that same way inconsistent, unloving, cruel, right. So that is the correspondence theory that the way that your parents treated you corresponds to the way that you're going to see God Now.

Speaker 1: 35:33

There's a different theory, though, and this actually this is typically happens more so with people who did not grow up in Christian homes. So if they did not grow up in Christian homes, they have had a negative experience with their parents, where the parents were unable to meet their needs and they were mistreated, abused, neglected, whatever the case is. And then they come to know Christ later on in life, and in learning and knowing more about Christ, god then starts to fill in all of those holes that they had, all of those needs that they didn't get met when they were children. God starts to meet those needs for them in their adult lives, or from time that they start to, when they received Christ into their hearts. So they go on this journey of man.

Speaker 1: 36:20

Now I'm just seeing everything that I need, and now God is providing. God is providing, god is providing, and it's this sense of security, right, this trust, this in his love and his faithfulness and his grace. Like you understand grace differently, you understand love differently, like this pursuit of I was lost and now I'm found Like there's this desire to want to know God because of the pain, right. So, even though there's this traumatic past in history, now you come to know Christ and he starts to meet and fill in all these gaps that you thought would never be filled, right? So, even if you've had a significant childhood, traumatic childhood, god is able, or you are able, to develop a secure attachment. It comes with more work, with more barriers, but it is possible, right and I want to focus on that aspect of it is possible to do so to develop a secure attachment, no matter where you are in your life, no matter what you've experienced in the past, that you can move into having a secure attachment style. And there's a lot of factors that play into that and I you know go back list to a couple of episodes where I reference understanding your attachment style.

Speaker 1: 37:34

How can a person with a secure attachment style support those who may have a less secure attachment to God? This is really good because, again, the interactions that you have with other people are life changing, right, they're corrective attachment experiences. If I have had, as a history, pure negative experiences with people in authority, with people who said that they love me and they care for me, but my experience with experiences with them have been negative. Then I'm going to have a hard time trusting other people, right, even if it's one person, they come in, they interact with me and it's a positive interaction. I'll go away from that questioning Was that actually them being genuine or was it? You know, am I just setting myself up for disappointment? Right? But if it happens again, another positive interaction, and another positive interaction, and another one, then I start to believe on my way. This is happening more often. You know, is this good? I think this is good, like, I like this.

Speaker 1: 38:35

So, as you have more of those positive interactions with people, you start to develop a more secure attachment style. Now you can view people in a higher, a more positive view of people than I had before, right, because you're having a corrective attachment experience with these different people, and your view of self also starts to change too, like people think that I'm worse than that. They're paying attention to me, they want to help me, they want to meet these needs that I have, right? So, again, your framework for how you view yourself and how you view others starts to change, which then now, as you're reading scripture and you're seeing how God meets all of your needs and you know what he's done for the Israelites and how he met different needs at different times, that all starts to make sense because you're having these corrective attachment experiences. So, a person who has a secure attachment style one thing that you can do with those who have a less secure attachment style is go love them and do what securely attached people do Be present, be consistent, be trustworthy, right All of those things. Be that for that person and you will see with time how that relationship changes. How they view themselves, how they view others, how they view God will change. Right Again, as you include in that the use of prayer, scripture and community. Those three things will continue to affect that.

Speaker 1: 39:57

The last question here what are some practical steps we can take to deepen our attachment to God and strengthen our relationship to him? Okay, again, I'm finalizing with this with the big three here right, reading and meditating on scripture Super important, whether it be listening to scripture. Again, the idea is to know God's word, to know to differentiate between what's true, what God's word actually says and what people misinterpreted to say, which happens a lot today. There are a lot of pastors, preachers I wouldn't even call them pastors, but there's a lot of preachers, you know, motivational speakers who will sprinkle God into the message. But it's really a message on motivation, on how to do things a certain way and here's your three steps to a highly successful life and here's how you can get out of this. And they're not preaching God's word or the gospel, right.

Speaker 1: 40:55

So when you're filling your mind with scripture, when you're praying to God on a consistent basis, when you're interacting with other people who also believe in God's word as being the authority of their lives and who are also praying for you and for God's will in their lives, like all of those things start to change your change and deepen your relationship with God. Seeking community support from fellow believers, actively working on trusting and relying on God's will. Again, there's this active, actively trusting and relying on God, which means that there's going to be consistent temptations to not believe the good about God. Because, oh well, your past, you know. How are you going to be worthy to God? Like, look at all the sin that you've committed and look at how your parents were with you and look, you're not important. How can you go to this church and you know one says hi to you or no one does this. Like you know, st wants you to believe those things Right. Sin part of the effective sin is that it distorts our view of God. So the only way to counter that is again through the big three. Okay, interact with other Bible believing Christians who are seeking God's will. Pray to God, be with him on a consensual basis and Read scripture.

Speaker 1: 42:23

You read it for yourselves. Acts 1711 talks about what the Bereans there right, that they read the Bible day and night to make sure that what they were being taught was true. That's where this aspect of be a berean, or this a Theme or or phrase of be a berean comes from, because they actively sought to search the scriptures daily to see if what they were being taught Was true. Be a berean. These things are doing these things will strengthen and deepen your relationship with God. That was a lot.

Speaker 1: 42:55

We went through a lot with these different questions and hopefully you have a better understanding of what this page is about. I mean, this is episode 75 and I was like, okay, well, it would be a good, good topic if I just think about some questions that people would have about attachment. Hopefully this kind of sparked some more questions for you and if they did, please feel free to email me. Sl, sl, connect, oh eight at gmailcom and you know I will answer those questions in an episode. I'm thinking of Making a subscriber base where you can submit a question and I will directly respond to that. But yeah, in a podcast episode or be it through email or be it on a post, like I'm trying to flesh that out, in the next couple of weeks You're gonna see some new things, new resources that are hopefully helpful for you and that you can use so that you can continue to grow In your walk with Christ. That's ultimately my desire that you, that this page is helping you walk closer to Christ, and that understanding your attachments Now it's just one of the things that I'm studying and then I'm passionate about it's part. It's gonna be part of my dissertation.

Speaker 1: 44:04

Shame has been a big part of my story and the story of many others, so thinking through that is an element of this, of this page as well. But ultimately, the goal is that you draw closer to Christ by understanding these things. Shame often pushes us away from God. Our attachment style is not understanding them, makes us think that there's something wrong with us or that God is not trustworthy or dependable, right? So if you're understanding these aspects of how you're relating to God, then hopefully you can counter that and start to draw closer to God. Okay, so? So that is kind of the heart behind this podcast and I hope that you feel that. I hope that you know that and that I'm focused on making sure that the gospel is presented. You know, throughout this page, I've done a number of videos where and it has happened I don't have many that have withdrawn or or unfollowed the page because of my stance.

Speaker 1: 45:05

Most of the people, I think, believe that Jesus Christ is the only way to heaven, so is the only way to God, so they subscribe to the page or they follow the page. So if that's you, thank you so much. And if you're listening and you've been listening to his podcast for a while now, again, I can't say how much, how appreciative I am of your support, even in just listening. Right, I know when you listen to podcast, something you just kind of doing your own thing and something will stick out to you and I'm hoping that one of these questions connects and that it Makes you want to follow Christ and deepen your relationship with him. So, guys, episode 75. Thank you for tuning in. It's a big marker to reach and I'm hoping to get to 100 episodes by the end of the year. So we'll see how that goes. But thank you for tuning in and you have a good one.